Im experiencing, what people like to call writers block. Nothing that I think or say or type is mildly poetic, or even slightly politically incorrect. I wake up everyday and sleep every night with no utterance of anything special, a unique thought, a new point of view. I am emotionally barren it seems, with a slowly decomposing brain, and a mind that seems to have shut off any form of communication. It’s a zombie kind of existence, living in rituals and tried and true practices. Wake, stare, sleep. Its not a form of indolence really, more like a form of giving in. Knowing, that this world will continue spinning, no matter what supposed escaped philosophy my temporarily sparked brain can come up with. Neither is it a matter of an ego, more of a realization that im small, so insignificant is my existence that if something happened to me tomorrow, not much will come of it. The world will continue, people will go on embarking on emotional roller coasters, some will emerge victorious, others will put up a brave front before crumbling when they find a moment to themselves.
Shit happens, life changes, and you just continue trudging through this shady existence of self-discovery.
I think im temporarily incapable of feeling anything.
Or maybe ive just lost the ability permanently.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Of celebrations and cynicism
A storm full of white and green ran into the mundane brown and grey of an institution boasting of centuries of recollections. The dhol waalas decked out in their gaudy yellow and orange sprinted right behind trying to keep up with the passion that drove the youth to run so very fast waving cloth that adorned crescents and stars. Laps of the field followed, the flags fluttering in the air right along with the voices of 300 people, all tied together in ecstasy. Amidst huffing and puffing they all came to a slow halt and grinned partially because they were overawed by the spectacle they had aroused, but mainly because they didn’t really know what to do next. Circles were formed, people were dancing, the dhol waalas were their gods, and they were just faithful followers abiding to their religion of beats.
Euphoria doesn’t strike often, people don’t laugh for such long spells of time, but it was just one of those days in whish their was a flagrant disregard for calm, composure and self control. Their voices were hushed by the booms of the admin, but they never really subsided into nothingness. Every given moment, a stray verse of an old national song was screamed out, followed closely by shrieks and calls. They were all too young to bother with the fact that these songs, these flags, were slowly loosing meaning in a country that was slowly loosing its soul. Disillusionment was far away, nowhere even close to where they drove their cars, their heads out of the windows, the voices of Vital Signs blaring out of their decks. So naïve, so immature- yet so beautiful.
Happy birthday Pakistan.
Euphoria doesn’t strike often, people don’t laugh for such long spells of time, but it was just one of those days in whish their was a flagrant disregard for calm, composure and self control. Their voices were hushed by the booms of the admin, but they never really subsided into nothingness. Every given moment, a stray verse of an old national song was screamed out, followed closely by shrieks and calls. They were all too young to bother with the fact that these songs, these flags, were slowly loosing meaning in a country that was slowly loosing its soul. Disillusionment was far away, nowhere even close to where they drove their cars, their heads out of the windows, the voices of Vital Signs blaring out of their decks. So naïve, so immature- yet so beautiful.
Happy birthday Pakistan.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
A moment of silence
Sometimes, you just have to be a bitch.
Im tired you know, that’s all, im just painfully tired. Life is exhausting; it drains every will to live and every iota of drive and energy that ever dared inhabit you. I cant, I just cant go through living like this. Always, just always bending over backwards, listening, perpetually listening. I mean, I know it was written somewhere in the best friend bylaws that you are aloud to moan till the moon paints itself in blue, but there are limits- boundaries.
Cant you never just shut the fuck up?
I know you’ve had a tough couple of weeks, trust me ive tried to make them easier for you, trying to share the burden, make it easier. I would stay up all night talking to you, not let you out of my sight in school, come over whenever I got a moment of peace. I listened while you whined, hugged you when you cried, and then acted like I believed you when you said it was ‘your sinus acting up’. I fought with my parents for you, sat for endless hours doing research for you, telling you everything was ok, things work themselves out, it all falls into place sooner or later.
I was your human redbull.
And after, a 12 hour day, of bull shit with a side serving of hysteria, I come home, after saying bye to you five minutes ago, and then this-
she says:
listen, I need to ask you something..
she says:
am i losing my looks?
I say:
?
she says:
was i better looking in the earlier years
I say:
(please tell me your joking)
A very big part of me thanks god that your pissed, and that your probably not talking to me.
(Im horrible, im sorry.)
Im tired you know, that’s all, im just painfully tired. Life is exhausting; it drains every will to live and every iota of drive and energy that ever dared inhabit you. I cant, I just cant go through living like this. Always, just always bending over backwards, listening, perpetually listening. I mean, I know it was written somewhere in the best friend bylaws that you are aloud to moan till the moon paints itself in blue, but there are limits- boundaries.
Cant you never just shut the fuck up?
I know you’ve had a tough couple of weeks, trust me ive tried to make them easier for you, trying to share the burden, make it easier. I would stay up all night talking to you, not let you out of my sight in school, come over whenever I got a moment of peace. I listened while you whined, hugged you when you cried, and then acted like I believed you when you said it was ‘your sinus acting up’. I fought with my parents for you, sat for endless hours doing research for you, telling you everything was ok, things work themselves out, it all falls into place sooner or later.
I was your human redbull.
And after, a 12 hour day, of bull shit with a side serving of hysteria, I come home, after saying bye to you five minutes ago, and then this-
she says:
listen, I need to ask you something..
she says:
am i losing my looks?
I say:
?
she says:
was i better looking in the earlier years
I say:
(please tell me your joking)
A very big part of me thanks god that your pissed, and that your probably not talking to me.
(Im horrible, im sorry.)
Monday, August 08, 2005
I can’t explain it.
I just cant.
That feeling.
Of feeling everything at once, as if the heavens crashed and burned at your feet till your toes sting from the sheer magnanimity of everything that life throws at you. When you sit, drenched after a warm shower and you shut your eyes for a few minutes while steam emanates from every inch of your skin. When old pictures fuse with new ones, and your entire existence seems like a flash of childish photography- so naïve yet so ridden with a raging under cover torrent of sentiment that peeks out shyly from time to time. When you recklessly choose to forget the tears that once seemed to burn little potholes straight through your cheeks because your hands were too limp to flick them away.
Is this happiness?
Or just a lapse of reason?
I just cant.
That feeling.
Of feeling everything at once, as if the heavens crashed and burned at your feet till your toes sting from the sheer magnanimity of everything that life throws at you. When you sit, drenched after a warm shower and you shut your eyes for a few minutes while steam emanates from every inch of your skin. When old pictures fuse with new ones, and your entire existence seems like a flash of childish photography- so naïve yet so ridden with a raging under cover torrent of sentiment that peeks out shyly from time to time. When you recklessly choose to forget the tears that once seemed to burn little potholes straight through your cheeks because your hands were too limp to flick them away.
Is this happiness?
Or just a lapse of reason?
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Phlegm Woman to the rescue
Ok now ladies and laydas.
This blog is a sham. I only write when im sad or angry, or both. (And im really not that bitter in real life.) So im trying something new. Im pissed and delirious. Oh and im also acting my age for once. Heres whats happening in a 17 year olds life. (emphasis on the 17)
Ok.
Here it goes.
Well my life right now sucks circus elephant dick. Why? Because it has been taken over by school and tuitions and work even more tuitions? Not to forget that im very ill and blah and my hair is looking weird and I can see split ends but I have no fucking time to even get a bloody haircut. For example, it’s Saturday today, and ive been to 6 hours of bloody fuck tuitions and that’s it. The rest of the time was spent entertaining my runny nose asshole cousins and not to mention their bloody maids who smell. Really bad.
So its 9-25 in the evening right now, and all my friends are currently sitting at Pizza Express eating away and here I am sipping tasteless soup ala shit. And to top it all off, I did really well in my first practice SAT, but my idiot parents are all like ya well that wont get you into Harvard and im like well yes Mr Bcom graduate stop shitting on my parade ok.
Other problems include that of the broken chair that I am sitting on. Well actually seeing that its broken I must now switch to the horrible stool. Even my own furniture is rejecting me. And also, I feel like I really bust my ass trying to manage school and extracurricular (fancy word for useless college stuff) and tuition and SAT and still everyday im left with a huge list of things to do and I really don’t feel like im accomplishing anything.
Also, my driver is being a major dick. His new thing is to openly fast-forward any song playing just because he doesn’t like it. Like today, I was listening to The Killers, and he just switches the song. And im like dude, hello, my music. And he gives the ‘shut the fuck up I can kill you in two minutes If I wanted, that is after I rape you’ look so then I looked out of the window and pouted for a few minutes.
Im also sick of consoling my friends about how they’re not going to get any colleges and helping them with little relationship maslas. I am no agony aunt. I am just in agony and that is fucking different ok.
Why am I agony? Because I am phlegm woman. Seriously, I am coughing and sneezing out yellow balgham like its my job- or superpower. I am also sitting in my ‘Jesus is my homeboy’ XL sleeping shirt and my religious cousin got all pissy at me. And I just felt like saying listen you fuck stop smoking weed then get back to me ok dear?
However, I must say that I do love certain people in the world, including G who was kind enough to drop Benadril off to my house (even though he stood 10 feet away from me as I am contagious ahhaha) and got me chicken soup from China Town. Also, I like S even though her 8 calls during my practice SAT kind of made me loose my concentration.
I also like E as she called and screamed at me for not coming to dinner, which is nice, as no one likes to be thought of as inconsequential, and it seems like my absence was felt :D.
But alas, these are trivial things, and the real thing is that is pissing me off is the fact that the next three months are integral to how I spend the next 4 years of my life. In other words, all of us are teetering over the hill of bloody destiny and our toes are inching towards the sea of mind fuck (hard work). We cant accept the fact that summer is over, and that A’s results are coming out day after, SAT is in two months, college applications are going out soon, plus end of term grades matter a lot too. This is all way too much for a stupid ill 17 (emphasis on the 17) year old girl to handle.
I feel really numb.
Maybe it’s just the Benadril though?
This blog is a sham. I only write when im sad or angry, or both. (And im really not that bitter in real life.) So im trying something new. Im pissed and delirious. Oh and im also acting my age for once. Heres whats happening in a 17 year olds life. (emphasis on the 17)
Ok.
Here it goes.
Well my life right now sucks circus elephant dick. Why? Because it has been taken over by school and tuitions and work even more tuitions? Not to forget that im very ill and blah and my hair is looking weird and I can see split ends but I have no fucking time to even get a bloody haircut. For example, it’s Saturday today, and ive been to 6 hours of bloody fuck tuitions and that’s it. The rest of the time was spent entertaining my runny nose asshole cousins and not to mention their bloody maids who smell. Really bad.
So its 9-25 in the evening right now, and all my friends are currently sitting at Pizza Express eating away and here I am sipping tasteless soup ala shit. And to top it all off, I did really well in my first practice SAT, but my idiot parents are all like ya well that wont get you into Harvard and im like well yes Mr Bcom graduate stop shitting on my parade ok.
Other problems include that of the broken chair that I am sitting on. Well actually seeing that its broken I must now switch to the horrible stool. Even my own furniture is rejecting me. And also, I feel like I really bust my ass trying to manage school and extracurricular (fancy word for useless college stuff) and tuition and SAT and still everyday im left with a huge list of things to do and I really don’t feel like im accomplishing anything.
Also, my driver is being a major dick. His new thing is to openly fast-forward any song playing just because he doesn’t like it. Like today, I was listening to The Killers, and he just switches the song. And im like dude, hello, my music. And he gives the ‘shut the fuck up I can kill you in two minutes If I wanted, that is after I rape you’ look so then I looked out of the window and pouted for a few minutes.
Im also sick of consoling my friends about how they’re not going to get any colleges and helping them with little relationship maslas. I am no agony aunt. I am just in agony and that is fucking different ok.
Why am I agony? Because I am phlegm woman. Seriously, I am coughing and sneezing out yellow balgham like its my job- or superpower. I am also sitting in my ‘Jesus is my homeboy’ XL sleeping shirt and my religious cousin got all pissy at me. And I just felt like saying listen you fuck stop smoking weed then get back to me ok dear?
However, I must say that I do love certain people in the world, including G who was kind enough to drop Benadril off to my house (even though he stood 10 feet away from me as I am contagious ahhaha) and got me chicken soup from China Town. Also, I like S even though her 8 calls during my practice SAT kind of made me loose my concentration.
I also like E as she called and screamed at me for not coming to dinner, which is nice, as no one likes to be thought of as inconsequential, and it seems like my absence was felt :D.
But alas, these are trivial things, and the real thing is that is pissing me off is the fact that the next three months are integral to how I spend the next 4 years of my life. In other words, all of us are teetering over the hill of bloody destiny and our toes are inching towards the sea of mind fuck (hard work). We cant accept the fact that summer is over, and that A’s results are coming out day after, SAT is in two months, college applications are going out soon, plus end of term grades matter a lot too. This is all way too much for a stupid ill 17 (emphasis on the 17) year old girl to handle.
I feel really numb.
Maybe it’s just the Benadril though?
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