You asked for my number.
And in my head im going-
"No no no no no no no. Why do i always attract the freaks and the randoms? Why? Why did u just admit to me that you asked your last girlfriend to marry you, and she would have said yes except for teh fact that her mom didnt like you? Do you think ill be impressed? Our touched by how you wanted a long engagement so that she could "complete her studies?" Your kinds sicken me, the types that think we can get swayed by how you loved your exes " a little too much" and how it was all "deep between the both of you." Yuck and double sick. I cant believe you can be related to such a good friend of mine. She turned out so normal, and look at you. Youve tried heroine for gods saks. HEROINE. But its not her fault, its J's the idiot for introducing us at that party. Bloody hell. Bloody fucking hell"
Haan so thats what im thinking. And i try to change the subject, and act like i havnt heard you. But you ask again , and again, and im kind of at a loss for words. So then i sigh, and i smile, and give it to you, regretting bieng alive at this very moment.
Get home and call up Goldie and cry and bitch and make myself sound so harmless. A little senseless flirting lands me in this deep shit. He laughs at me, and at the end, i end up laughing at myself.
But i once again ask myself.. why the weirdos.. WHY????????
Friday, April 29, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Running on empty
Am feeling completely and absolutely blah. I am always exhausted, perpertually tired, never willing to get off my ass and actually DO SOMETHING.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This insane addiction the Blog, Msn and Orkut is driving me crazy.
Need to-
1- Stop smoking
2- Throw my computer down the balcony, its EVIL.
3- Get my act together, majorly.
4- Get a life
5- Stop worrying about small things, and things that were in the past, and things that were never meant to be, basically stop thinking.
6- Stop listening to music, it means nothing, and weird songs keep on getting stuck in my head.
7- Find a way to vent, which doesnt include typing.
8- Go the gym more often.
9- Kill myself.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This insane addiction the Blog, Msn and Orkut is driving me crazy.
Need to-
1- Stop smoking
2- Throw my computer down the balcony, its EVIL.
3- Get my act together, majorly.
4- Get a life
5- Stop worrying about small things, and things that were in the past, and things that were never meant to be, basically stop thinking.
6- Stop listening to music, it means nothing, and weird songs keep on getting stuck in my head.
7- Find a way to vent, which doesnt include typing.
8- Go the gym more often.
9- Kill myself.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Men = Odd
Where do i even start, and where do i aim to end this blog entry? This quasi-insane painfully exquisite entity known as "Man" is driving me crazy. But within this segment of human kind, there are many different KINDS of men, and not all of them are crazy.
Following are the types of men i have encountered-
1. The parent, granparent and other assorted relatives-
Highly boring, except for that one weird uncle i have who is addicted to porn (im completely serious.)
2. The Flirts-
The ones who somehow manages to make you feel really special really fast, eventhough the intelligent part of you keeps on going, "who you kidding?" but in the moment its fun, and sometimes, even the most cynical and bitter person wants to enjoy herself.
3. The ones that try too hard-
Case in point, Mr.S. Im not ammused by you threatening to beat up some guy because he asked me to dance. He was not "150% flirting" with me as you liked to put it. I dont appreciate the cheap lines and sweet talking, it makes me feel inferior and used. Im a real person, with ideals and ambition, i cant be swayed with your words. I can see through you. (But i must admit, i get the feeling that you might just grow on me.)
4. The sexist pigs.
Yuck. Vomit. Case in point, the sick fuck in my family. Thank god we are related so thats theres no way we could ever hookup. I cant believe you said, "Well you know, i want simple girls, with minimal education and who like to stay at home. I can earn and she can take care of the home, and it would be better if she did hijab and didnt have too much of a life outside the house. In essence, i want her to be basic." Bastard, bastard. You should be glad i didnt slap you. Women are not some bloody inferior bieng, they THINK and have OPINIONS. Just because your a closet homosexual (my mothers theory not mine) and your looking for a maid cum wife, dont insult me and the rest of womankind ok? Spare us of your bullshit.
5. The best friends.
There are not too many of these around, and most of the time you tend to mistake people for them. Yesterday, i put my arm around you and you turned around, and i saw relief in your face. When you told me that you needed to talk, to just tell me what was up, i was%2
Following are the types of men i have encountered-
1. The parent, granparent and other assorted relatives-
Highly boring, except for that one weird uncle i have who is addicted to porn (im completely serious.)
2. The Flirts-
The ones who somehow manages to make you feel really special really fast, eventhough the intelligent part of you keeps on going, "who you kidding?" but in the moment its fun, and sometimes, even the most cynical and bitter person wants to enjoy herself.
3. The ones that try too hard-
Case in point, Mr.S. Im not ammused by you threatening to beat up some guy because he asked me to dance. He was not "150% flirting" with me as you liked to put it. I dont appreciate the cheap lines and sweet talking, it makes me feel inferior and used. Im a real person, with ideals and ambition, i cant be swayed with your words. I can see through you. (But i must admit, i get the feeling that you might just grow on me.)
4. The sexist pigs.
Yuck. Vomit. Case in point, the sick fuck in my family. Thank god we are related so thats theres no way we could ever hookup. I cant believe you said, "Well you know, i want simple girls, with minimal education and who like to stay at home. I can earn and she can take care of the home, and it would be better if she did hijab and didnt have too much of a life outside the house. In essence, i want her to be basic." Bastard, bastard. You should be glad i didnt slap you. Women are not some bloody inferior bieng, they THINK and have OPINIONS. Just because your a closet homosexual (my mothers theory not mine) and your looking for a maid cum wife, dont insult me and the rest of womankind ok? Spare us of your bullshit.
5. The best friends.
There are not too many of these around, and most of the time you tend to mistake people for them. Yesterday, i put my arm around you and you turned around, and i saw relief in your face. When you told me that you needed to talk, to just tell me what was up, i was%2
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Woah
So so so so so much to write
Life needs to stop for just one minute, so i can take a deep breath and look around. Its going wayyy too fast.
Ok.
Yesterday, woke up early, organizing, bieng screamed at by a friend who becomes hitler when anything stressed her out. A last minute ride to borii bazaar, with a shopping spree with goldie, a random meeting with relatives, shoe shopping and finding perfect shoes, threading, blow dry, and getting dressed.
Fast foward to the car, a scary revelation by A, but i backed him up anyway, saying goodbye to the folks, forgetting things, and then running back up to get them, pictures and our cheap poses, the event, how the music was out of this world, and the dance floor was tiny, more pictures, and compliments [ :) ], dancing like no ones watching, yum food, sitting with a few people who actually matter and having a laughing fit for half an hour.
Fast forward to the car, the night was not over. Reached Niks house and run up, there are only 5 minutes till her birthday, and she'll kill me if i miss it. Screaming shouting, downing shots, holding onto her for a little longer when we hugged and her not letting go either, the chance meeting, which was awkward, but made my day. Really needing to pee, but the bathroom bieng full of like 6 girls over one hair straightner. Finally i fake opening the zip of my jeans and they all run out.
Car ride number 3, getting lost and then finding the place eventually and walking in, the music loud, the amount of alcohol was scary. "Just one shot, its my birthday" and me eventually getting pretty bloody drunk. Dancing with the little green lazers and just going mental. Smiling and laughing, sitting with goldie and how S saved me from that weird stalker man. The entire strip show that i witnessed, plus a friend screaming "Your such a bloody hypocrite!" to a girl wearing a hijab who was making out with her boyfriend in the corner. After the 8th trip to the dancefloor, the whole phoen fiasco, and me having to sober up pretty fast in order to take care of someone and look sane infront of her mom. Running in and pigging out on Shamas cake, and various other forms of junk. Laughing, bitching, and loving the four people in that room till we finally collapsed.
Getting up, and not being able to feel my legs. Getting a friend to cut my hair because i was bored with it. Celebrating F's birthday for the 50th time with more cake and food. Leaving, and loving every moment of everything
sigh.
Life needs to stop for just one minute, so i can take a deep breath and look around. Its going wayyy too fast.
Ok.
Yesterday, woke up early, organizing, bieng screamed at by a friend who becomes hitler when anything stressed her out. A last minute ride to borii bazaar, with a shopping spree with goldie, a random meeting with relatives, shoe shopping and finding perfect shoes, threading, blow dry, and getting dressed.
Fast foward to the car, a scary revelation by A, but i backed him up anyway, saying goodbye to the folks, forgetting things, and then running back up to get them, pictures and our cheap poses, the event, how the music was out of this world, and the dance floor was tiny, more pictures, and compliments [ :) ], dancing like no ones watching, yum food, sitting with a few people who actually matter and having a laughing fit for half an hour.
Fast forward to the car, the night was not over. Reached Niks house and run up, there are only 5 minutes till her birthday, and she'll kill me if i miss it. Screaming shouting, downing shots, holding onto her for a little longer when we hugged and her not letting go either, the chance meeting, which was awkward, but made my day. Really needing to pee, but the bathroom bieng full of like 6 girls over one hair straightner. Finally i fake opening the zip of my jeans and they all run out.
Car ride number 3, getting lost and then finding the place eventually and walking in, the music loud, the amount of alcohol was scary. "Just one shot, its my birthday" and me eventually getting pretty bloody drunk. Dancing with the little green lazers and just going mental. Smiling and laughing, sitting with goldie and how S saved me from that weird stalker man. The entire strip show that i witnessed, plus a friend screaming "Your such a bloody hypocrite!" to a girl wearing a hijab who was making out with her boyfriend in the corner. After the 8th trip to the dancefloor, the whole phoen fiasco, and me having to sober up pretty fast in order to take care of someone and look sane infront of her mom. Running in and pigging out on Shamas cake, and various other forms of junk. Laughing, bitching, and loving the four people in that room till we finally collapsed.
Getting up, and not being able to feel my legs. Getting a friend to cut my hair because i was bored with it. Celebrating F's birthday for the 50th time with more cake and food. Leaving, and loving every moment of everything
sigh.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Pass the J
MAJOR FLASHBACK MOMENT-
It was a Sunday. One of those days in which your too lazy to do anything eventhough there was so much to do and account for. But somehow, you just couldnt be bothered to get off from your bed and actually do something productive.
Phone rings. Ah. Communication.
F says- Hey... whatcha doin?
I say- Literally staring at the walls.I cant study, cant concentrate. Lets do something man, Napoleon and Hitler can wait.
F says- Will pick you up in 15 mintues. Goldies house is empty. We can pick up J and A and chill there for a bit. Goldie has some weed, we can make an evening out of it.
I say- Ok man but today is the last day, i cant keep on smoking up man. And i have a family dinner at 8, so i need to be compeltely normal by then.
So we all end up at Goldies, and the slow process of making the joint begins. We all sit in a circle, and light up three at a time. It was like a game, we did it often. You would inhale, and then pass it on, and couldnt exhale till another joint was passed on to you. Slowly, people started to cough, it was hard to hold your breath with so much smoke in your lungs. Soon it was just J and A left, and both of them gave up too eventually, and the rizlas were thrown in to the bin casually. The entire room had that familiar smell of grass. I sunk back into the sofa, the drugs were having their effect. Soon, i could feel every thing so vividly, i remember the rough surface of the sofa, with the tassles of the pillow. I remember the cackling of the ciggarette when i inhaled. I remember the flash of my camera when A took a picture of me singing Nirvana all to myself. Everything was funny and i just couldnt stop laughing. And then F, like the idiot that she is, screams out-
"So A, who you going to the ball with?"
He looks down and smiles, and says "No one yet"
I smile too, i already know he is going to ask me. People had been talking about it. In typical high school style, he had told Goldie who had told F who had come and reported to me. It was just a matter of time pretty much, both of us knew we were going together. But it was getting annoying, what was he waiting for. (Later he told me he wanted to keep me hanging, it was supposed to be funny, and in a weird way it was.)
In my stoned state i go "A, will you go to the ball with me?" (I was lying down on the sofa, with my hair hanging down one side of it. While saying this I put my hands way up, like i was yelling "suprise" for my 85 year old grandmother. In retrospect, that was probably quite odd.)
And up he stands, and picks up my hands and holds them in his and goes "Well, the question is Miss ****, will you go with me?"
I grin and say, "Ofcourse you idiot."
And we hug, and everyone starts oo-ing and aa-ing and we blush, eventhough we try to hide it. And now, its a wee bit awkward, so we all get up to leave and get food. He leaves in his car. Goldie was my ride home.
That surge of happiness i will never forget.
He used to smile with his eyes i remember.
sigh. good times
It was a Sunday. One of those days in which your too lazy to do anything eventhough there was so much to do and account for. But somehow, you just couldnt be bothered to get off from your bed and actually do something productive.
Phone rings. Ah. Communication.
F says- Hey... whatcha doin?
I say- Literally staring at the walls.I cant study, cant concentrate. Lets do something man, Napoleon and Hitler can wait.
F says- Will pick you up in 15 mintues. Goldies house is empty. We can pick up J and A and chill there for a bit. Goldie has some weed, we can make an evening out of it.
I say- Ok man but today is the last day, i cant keep on smoking up man. And i have a family dinner at 8, so i need to be compeltely normal by then.
So we all end up at Goldies, and the slow process of making the joint begins. We all sit in a circle, and light up three at a time. It was like a game, we did it often. You would inhale, and then pass it on, and couldnt exhale till another joint was passed on to you. Slowly, people started to cough, it was hard to hold your breath with so much smoke in your lungs. Soon it was just J and A left, and both of them gave up too eventually, and the rizlas were thrown in to the bin casually. The entire room had that familiar smell of grass. I sunk back into the sofa, the drugs were having their effect. Soon, i could feel every thing so vividly, i remember the rough surface of the sofa, with the tassles of the pillow. I remember the cackling of the ciggarette when i inhaled. I remember the flash of my camera when A took a picture of me singing Nirvana all to myself. Everything was funny and i just couldnt stop laughing. And then F, like the idiot that she is, screams out-
"So A, who you going to the ball with?"
He looks down and smiles, and says "No one yet"
I smile too, i already know he is going to ask me. People had been talking about it. In typical high school style, he had told Goldie who had told F who had come and reported to me. It was just a matter of time pretty much, both of us knew we were going together. But it was getting annoying, what was he waiting for. (Later he told me he wanted to keep me hanging, it was supposed to be funny, and in a weird way it was.)
In my stoned state i go "A, will you go to the ball with me?" (I was lying down on the sofa, with my hair hanging down one side of it. While saying this I put my hands way up, like i was yelling "suprise" for my 85 year old grandmother. In retrospect, that was probably quite odd.)
And up he stands, and picks up my hands and holds them in his and goes "Well, the question is Miss ****, will you go with me?"
I grin and say, "Ofcourse you idiot."
And we hug, and everyone starts oo-ing and aa-ing and we blush, eventhough we try to hide it. And now, its a wee bit awkward, so we all get up to leave and get food. He leaves in his car. Goldie was my ride home.
That surge of happiness i will never forget.
He used to smile with his eyes i remember.
sigh. good times
Snap back to reality
And there you go. Stretching the designated "break" to well over two weeks, when it was supposed to end in a couple of days. Life needs to return to the monotonous shit hole that it usually is. Stress and nervous hysteria, coupled with increased caffeine and nicotine intake. All in all, not a promising month infront of me.
Kill me kill me now.
Kill me kill me now.
Friday, April 15, 2005
The best 7 minutes of my life
So so so so tired.
Cant even think straight. All thats keeping me awake right now is the big chunk of Twix thats in my mouth. But its a good exhaustion. Birthday, was by far one of the better ones, definatley compared to the last couple of years. Midnight was great, ended up sleeping at like 3 in the morning. Then up at 9, oraganisation and schedules and things. A real pain in the ass. Then laughing like an idiot at Goldies while we experimented with jello shots. And then, fast forward to the beach, through all the fake fake conversation and a lot of self doubt, "are they having a good time?" " they look bored.." It was weird. And then, everybody left. And the 10 of us did what we did best. There was laughter, and music, and happiness. Those hours, are unforgettable. Never will i forget those moments, the gifts (the non-material ones, which had a little more meaning), the way EVERYONE came, the fact that I realized how amazing my friends are, bieng carried and then subsequently into the water, the talks i had with people who I had lost touch with and had really really missed, the singing when S played his guitar, the trippy music and those 7 minutes of poor pleasure, the chanting when we gulped down the shots, the way me and F laughed for about 2 hours straight, the hugs, the new possibilties, the car ride back, with the odd dancing and the bad singing, the pictures, the i loves yous.
Wow.
WHAT a fucking amazing day huh?
Must go, hair is full of sand and the twix is over.
Cant even think straight. All thats keeping me awake right now is the big chunk of Twix thats in my mouth. But its a good exhaustion. Birthday, was by far one of the better ones, definatley compared to the last couple of years. Midnight was great, ended up sleeping at like 3 in the morning. Then up at 9, oraganisation and schedules and things. A real pain in the ass. Then laughing like an idiot at Goldies while we experimented with jello shots. And then, fast forward to the beach, through all the fake fake conversation and a lot of self doubt, "are they having a good time?" " they look bored.." It was weird. And then, everybody left. And the 10 of us did what we did best. There was laughter, and music, and happiness. Those hours, are unforgettable. Never will i forget those moments, the gifts (the non-material ones, which had a little more meaning), the way EVERYONE came, the fact that I realized how amazing my friends are, bieng carried and then subsequently into the water, the talks i had with people who I had lost touch with and had really really missed, the singing when S played his guitar, the trippy music and those 7 minutes of poor pleasure, the chanting when we gulped down the shots, the way me and F laughed for about 2 hours straight, the hugs, the new possibilties, the car ride back, with the odd dancing and the bad singing, the pictures, the i loves yous.
Wow.
WHAT a fucking amazing day huh?
Must go, hair is full of sand and the twix is over.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Your a bitch you know that?
I cant believe what you did, rather what you didnt do. And now, your trying to cover up your shit by blaming it on me? Asking me why im bieng so "blah?". DO YOU WANT BE TO BE FUCKING ECSTATIC? Honestly, who in the name of hitlers bra do you think you are? Seriously, you made a fucking mistake show that you have a LITTLE bit of bloody self respect and ADMIT it. But no, its not a big deal, because perfect people like you can do no wrong right? Just because your fucking mother teresa's pakistani reincarnation doesnt mean you cant hurt anyone or ever do something that will harm someone else. Im SICK of this bloody show that you put on. NO ONE gets away with half the things you do, because its you, and for years we have just learnt to go with the flow. I am fucking standing up for myself today. Just fuck off. Fuck the hell off.
Its one thing when someone like A lets you down. Its so expected. You arnt shocked or even bothered really because its A. And people like that have a reputation for something like this. You dont even know them properly. What real loyalties do they even have to you?
But you? Ive known you my entire life. And we've been inseperable for 17 years. SEVENTEEN. And eventhough things have been hard lately, things like this just make me rethink everything. Yes, everything.
I am nothing.
(By the way, its called HONESTY. Try it sometime.)
I cant believe what you did, rather what you didnt do. And now, your trying to cover up your shit by blaming it on me? Asking me why im bieng so "blah?". DO YOU WANT BE TO BE FUCKING ECSTATIC? Honestly, who in the name of hitlers bra do you think you are? Seriously, you made a fucking mistake show that you have a LITTLE bit of bloody self respect and ADMIT it. But no, its not a big deal, because perfect people like you can do no wrong right? Just because your fucking mother teresa's pakistani reincarnation doesnt mean you cant hurt anyone or ever do something that will harm someone else. Im SICK of this bloody show that you put on. NO ONE gets away with half the things you do, because its you, and for years we have just learnt to go with the flow. I am fucking standing up for myself today. Just fuck off. Fuck the hell off.
Its one thing when someone like A lets you down. Its so expected. You arnt shocked or even bothered really because its A. And people like that have a reputation for something like this. You dont even know them properly. What real loyalties do they even have to you?
But you? Ive known you my entire life. And we've been inseperable for 17 years. SEVENTEEN. And eventhough things have been hard lately, things like this just make me rethink everything. Yes, everything.
I am nothing.
(By the way, its called HONESTY. Try it sometime.)
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Blowing out the candles.
Birthday is coming up
What to do in this godforsaken place. Dont get me wrong, I love Karachi. Where else would you find a cross dresser named "mehek" who would sing papi chulo to you while you ate a chicken shangirla garlic mayo roll from hot and spicy?
There is an odd sort of familiarity in this city. Admist the violence and the sexually frustrated men, you realize that this place is home. And eventhough, after every trip abroad, you come back just a little dissapointed, you soon realize that this place is it.
Its everything.
But, alas, i digress.
Where was I? yes. What to do for the birthday? The beach? But we do that so often. Rung at the beach? Now your talking.
(Thanks for the idea M)
Lets see.
Around 70 people plus blasting trance music plus good food plus the sea SHOULD equal a good time right?
Fingers crossed.
What to do in this godforsaken place. Dont get me wrong, I love Karachi. Where else would you find a cross dresser named "mehek" who would sing papi chulo to you while you ate a chicken shangirla garlic mayo roll from hot and spicy?
There is an odd sort of familiarity in this city. Admist the violence and the sexually frustrated men, you realize that this place is home. And eventhough, after every trip abroad, you come back just a little dissapointed, you soon realize that this place is it.
Its everything.
But, alas, i digress.
Where was I? yes. What to do for the birthday? The beach? But we do that so often. Rung at the beach? Now your talking.
(Thanks for the idea M)
Lets see.
Around 70 people plus blasting trance music plus good food plus the sea SHOULD equal a good time right?
Fingers crossed.
I have realized certain things.
1- Cocomo is yum.
2- I was a FUGLY child.
Like seriously, i was going through old pictures, and my god, i was HIDEOUS. Well not in the absolute bachpana days, coz pretty much every one is cute then. And i was painfully fair, and in this society, if your fair, then you must be hot.
But as time went on, the "teens" my god. What was i thinking? Why didnt i get lenses earlier? I had these horrible GOLDEN glasses, which were disgusting, but were Armani, so i figured they must be "cool". Turns out, i looked like a owl with bad taste.
And my hair, allah tobah astakfar. It was bumpy and random and messy and just yuck. How i walked out of the house without a cap on is a real mystery to me.
And the bloody pimples. Which attack about 95% of teen population EXCEPT my friends. No one had ever had pimples in their entire bloody family. My god, they were red and pink and small and big. My aunt would call my face a pizza.
I am going stop now, and kneel down in prayer. Not to god though, to the man/woman who invented the -
1- Contact lense
2- Hair straightner
3- Noxzema face wash
Thank holy jesus that i dont look like that anymore.
So when people tell me "Your looking so different!" i should thank them and give them a pappi and a jhappi. They would have just made my day.
1- Cocomo is yum.
2- I was a FUGLY child.
Like seriously, i was going through old pictures, and my god, i was HIDEOUS. Well not in the absolute bachpana days, coz pretty much every one is cute then. And i was painfully fair, and in this society, if your fair, then you must be hot.
But as time went on, the "teens" my god. What was i thinking? Why didnt i get lenses earlier? I had these horrible GOLDEN glasses, which were disgusting, but were Armani, so i figured they must be "cool". Turns out, i looked like a owl with bad taste.
And my hair, allah tobah astakfar. It was bumpy and random and messy and just yuck. How i walked out of the house without a cap on is a real mystery to me.
And the bloody pimples. Which attack about 95% of teen population EXCEPT my friends. No one had ever had pimples in their entire bloody family. My god, they were red and pink and small and big. My aunt would call my face a pizza.
I am going stop now, and kneel down in prayer. Not to god though, to the man/woman who invented the -
1- Contact lense
2- Hair straightner
3- Noxzema face wash
Thank holy jesus that i dont look like that anymore.
So when people tell me "Your looking so different!" i should thank them and give them a pappi and a jhappi. They would have just made my day.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Where's my Switzerland?
Ive realized what my problem is… or atleast I think I have..
I am, a human ping pong. Seriously. I am either incredibly happy, or incredibly paranoid. I just cant seem to find a common ground, a neutral territory. I have two extreme moods. Right now, I feel good. I feel happy. Ive been laughing for the past 20 minutes straight. And the two people who really really count have been by my side the entire day. But I know, as soon as I get up tomorrow, it will be the same old same old. Things will seem redundant and that familiar feeling of stagnation will return. And ill go back into that same feeling of insecurity, and self doubt. Always second guessing, always in the dark.
Why cant I just be ok? Not happy not sad, but just OK. Because it would be boring?
Am I scared by my own feeling of mediocrity? Of just being one of them? Of just being another scared and worried youth, who doesn’t know where shes going, or how she plans on becoming all that she aspires to?
I am so many different things, from one moment to a next.
I am undefined.
I am, a human ping pong. Seriously. I am either incredibly happy, or incredibly paranoid. I just cant seem to find a common ground, a neutral territory. I have two extreme moods. Right now, I feel good. I feel happy. Ive been laughing for the past 20 minutes straight. And the two people who really really count have been by my side the entire day. But I know, as soon as I get up tomorrow, it will be the same old same old. Things will seem redundant and that familiar feeling of stagnation will return. And ill go back into that same feeling of insecurity, and self doubt. Always second guessing, always in the dark.
Why cant I just be ok? Not happy not sad, but just OK. Because it would be boring?
Am I scared by my own feeling of mediocrity? Of just being one of them? Of just being another scared and worried youth, who doesn’t know where shes going, or how she plans on becoming all that she aspires to?
I am so many different things, from one moment to a next.
I am undefined.
A fairytale wedding.
I want to write how amazing the royal wedding was and how i wish i was Camilla with my own big eared prince, with a grand old wedding dress and a queen for a mother in law.
Oh bull shit.
Bull fucking shit.
This is my life-
Like strangers we sat, all four of us. Listen, to the one in orange, ive known you my entire bloody life. What the hell happened? When did we stop knowing each other?? Did i ever know you? Was this all a facade? a mirage? were we just kidding ourselves? I dont know, and whats sad is, that at this point, i really dont even care enought to bother to find out.
And to you in the purple, i know your judging me, all the time. Everytime a lit a cancer-stick you gave me a look of disgust. Everytime i stood up for myself, you disagreed with me internally. And you, friend in green. I think you get me , i think so, please dont let me down. Please. You give me hope.
And to the friend in blue. You are my most favourite person in the whole wide world. I cant believe your leaving so soon. Just know that this might sound very cliche, but i honestly will be there for you no matter what. And what all has happened in the past year should be evidence to the fact that we can get through practically everything.
Enough now. Let matters develop a little more before i start passing sweeping statements.
Oh bull shit.
Bull fucking shit.
This is my life-
Like strangers we sat, all four of us. Listen, to the one in orange, ive known you my entire bloody life. What the hell happened? When did we stop knowing each other?? Did i ever know you? Was this all a facade? a mirage? were we just kidding ourselves? I dont know, and whats sad is, that at this point, i really dont even care enought to bother to find out.
And to you in the purple, i know your judging me, all the time. Everytime a lit a cancer-stick you gave me a look of disgust. Everytime i stood up for myself, you disagreed with me internally. And you, friend in green. I think you get me , i think so, please dont let me down. Please. You give me hope.
And to the friend in blue. You are my most favourite person in the whole wide world. I cant believe your leaving so soon. Just know that this might sound very cliche, but i honestly will be there for you no matter what. And what all has happened in the past year should be evidence to the fact that we can get through practically everything.
Enough now. Let matters develop a little more before i start passing sweeping statements.
Irony
Last night, I wrote a long long blog entry. And then randomly, the light went and the entry faded into oblivion. The irony lies in the fact that it was a happy happy happy entry. It was one of those few moments, in which you loved everyone and everything around you and you seeked forgiveness from all of those people who you had ever hurt or saddened.
These are some moments i can remember from the perfection that was yesterday-
"What did he just say? Something about tigers?"
"Yeah, he said he was a tigers empty cage."
"Oh. Wait. What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well i think thats its all symbolic. The tiger is the symbol of all evil and greed and temptation. The cage is its house, its home, not necessarily where it belongs, but it has learnt to live there. The cage is symbolic of his soul, in which all evil resides, eventhough its not meant to be there, but its managing to survive. So basically just like the tiger has left the cage, the evil has left his soul momentarily, but just like the tiger will return to his cage, the evil will return to his soul."
"Sorry, come again?"
--------
"Look at the stars." And we watched and watched, for hours and hours, and saw the stars dance with us in our joy.
-------
And round and round we spun, till our feet gave way. The cool soft sand welcomed us as we fell. And how we laughed and laughed and laughed.
------
"I love this song"
"I love you."
------
There was an aura around me yesterday. An aura of contentment, of pure and simple happiness. Everything was beautiful, everything made sense. There was good in this world, and for a moment i felt like i was a part of it.
I want to savour that moment forever, and remember it.
Because its already starting to wear off.
These are some moments i can remember from the perfection that was yesterday-
"What did he just say? Something about tigers?"
"Yeah, he said he was a tigers empty cage."
"Oh. Wait. What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well i think thats its all symbolic. The tiger is the symbol of all evil and greed and temptation. The cage is its house, its home, not necessarily where it belongs, but it has learnt to live there. The cage is symbolic of his soul, in which all evil resides, eventhough its not meant to be there, but its managing to survive. So basically just like the tiger has left the cage, the evil has left his soul momentarily, but just like the tiger will return to his cage, the evil will return to his soul."
"Sorry, come again?"
--------
"Look at the stars." And we watched and watched, for hours and hours, and saw the stars dance with us in our joy.
-------
And round and round we spun, till our feet gave way. The cool soft sand welcomed us as we fell. And how we laughed and laughed and laughed.
------
"I love this song"
"I love you."
------
There was an aura around me yesterday. An aura of contentment, of pure and simple happiness. Everything was beautiful, everything made sense. There was good in this world, and for a moment i felt like i was a part of it.
I want to savour that moment forever, and remember it.
Because its already starting to wear off.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Zzz..
Im so sleepy.
Even though i slept way past my usual 6-33 alarm clock. Even though technically there are three bells.. one at 6-33 one at 6-45 and one at 6-52. And then one at 7, which is when i actually get up and then inevitably freak out.
In the words of Amanda Wingfield- "I am bewildered, by life."
Im serious, living is such an exhaustive process. And now, in 20 minutes, i need to go to a shia lecture thing. What fun this day is going to turn out to be. And its in PECHS, which is so so so so so farrrrrr.
Ugh.
Even though i slept way past my usual 6-33 alarm clock. Even though technically there are three bells.. one at 6-33 one at 6-45 and one at 6-52. And then one at 7, which is when i actually get up and then inevitably freak out.
In the words of Amanda Wingfield- "I am bewildered, by life."
Im serious, living is such an exhaustive process. And now, in 20 minutes, i need to go to a shia lecture thing. What fun this day is going to turn out to be. And its in PECHS, which is so so so so so farrrrrr.
Ugh.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
:)
Back home from shitville.
Too tired to type.
But i will try :)
There are many people in this world. Theres your trainer at the gym, who you hate because of how he always tells you to increase the speed of your treadmill. There is the maid who you had as a kid, who was your substitute mother when the real one was busy. There was that teacher, who had such an impact on your life, but when you met her years later, she didnt recognize you. There are those actors who look so perfect on screen, but when you see them buying shampoo at aghas they seem so ordinary. There are the crushes, who you havnt seen since college ended. There are the "quiet" types, who take years to open up, but when they do, you realize that they are worth it. There are the people who you always looked up to, and then years later, you find out they died because of a substance abuse problem. There are those who try so so so hard, but you know that they will never be good enough for you. And then there are those, whose expectations of you will never be satisfied. There are those who you love, but you often dont like and those, who you vow to hate, but find it so bloody hard too. There are people who think you will know forever, but now, you dont even remember the outlines of their face. There are those who think they are too good for you, and then those who actually are.
Then there are those who just get it.
They get you, and you just know that life is a little less painfull because they are around.
People like that just get me smiling.
Too tired to type.
But i will try :)
There are many people in this world. Theres your trainer at the gym, who you hate because of how he always tells you to increase the speed of your treadmill. There is the maid who you had as a kid, who was your substitute mother when the real one was busy. There was that teacher, who had such an impact on your life, but when you met her years later, she didnt recognize you. There are those actors who look so perfect on screen, but when you see them buying shampoo at aghas they seem so ordinary. There are the crushes, who you havnt seen since college ended. There are the "quiet" types, who take years to open up, but when they do, you realize that they are worth it. There are the people who you always looked up to, and then years later, you find out they died because of a substance abuse problem. There are those who try so so so hard, but you know that they will never be good enough for you. And then there are those, whose expectations of you will never be satisfied. There are those who you love, but you often dont like and those, who you vow to hate, but find it so bloody hard too. There are people who think you will know forever, but now, you dont even remember the outlines of their face. There are those who think they are too good for you, and then those who actually are.
Then there are those who just get it.
They get you, and you just know that life is a little less painfull because they are around.
People like that just get me smiling.
Put the damn phone on silent you idiot.
I suck
I suck
I suck
I suck
The call comes. I ignore it. The second call comes. I ignore it. Third call comes, I pick it up.
He says- Greetings to the girl who never picks up her phone.
I say- I picked it up now didnt I
He says- (obviously not paying attention.) Can you get out tonight
I say- Please please please.... i cant get out.. i have no strength.. im practically asleep already.
He says- Its 8-30.
I say- Thats not the point.
He says- Im picking you up in half an hour. Ill wake you up no worries.
I say- Listen you fuck. I said i dont want to go out. I dont. I dont want to see your bloody face or her face or his face for that matter. I just wanted to isolate myself from everyone and everything and that includes you and those cheap corny one liners you crack that you think are so funny. Its not like you even want me there. You just cant stand the fact that theres one day that you have not been out with your friends. How fucking insecure are you? One day of peace, thats all i bloody want. Leave me the fuck alone. Just go away. GO.
Oh no wait. Thats what i wish i said
I ACTUALLY say- God damn you. Fine. I need to shower i need 45 minutes.
He says- Will call when im downstairs.
I really do suck
No really
I really do.
I suck
I suck
I suck
The call comes. I ignore it. The second call comes. I ignore it. Third call comes, I pick it up.
He says- Greetings to the girl who never picks up her phone.
I say- I picked it up now didnt I
He says- (obviously not paying attention.) Can you get out tonight
I say- Please please please.... i cant get out.. i have no strength.. im practically asleep already.
He says- Its 8-30.
I say- Thats not the point.
He says- Im picking you up in half an hour. Ill wake you up no worries.
I say- Listen you fuck. I said i dont want to go out. I dont. I dont want to see your bloody face or her face or his face for that matter. I just wanted to isolate myself from everyone and everything and that includes you and those cheap corny one liners you crack that you think are so funny. Its not like you even want me there. You just cant stand the fact that theres one day that you have not been out with your friends. How fucking insecure are you? One day of peace, thats all i bloody want. Leave me the fuck alone. Just go away. GO.
Oh no wait. Thats what i wish i said
I ACTUALLY say- God damn you. Fine. I need to shower i need 45 minutes.
He says- Will call when im downstairs.
I really do suck
No really
I really do.
Party Pooper
I only use this blog when im sad. Or really really angry, which is a form of sadness anyway.
Is it?
Its weird. The week of torture has offically passed. And i actually got through it, without massive breakdowns or screaming fits. Its over, its over, i keep on telling myself. The understood reaction is that of going out, getting dressed, looking pretty, and enjoying yourself. And i honestly tried, i really did try, to do exactly that. I went out, i looked ok, but i didnt enjoy myself. Everything was fake, everything so fabricated, everything so intended. I laughed and laughed, but i never found anything funny. And we moved from location to location, but my mind was stuck somewhere else.
When did the magic leave my life? Where did the thrill do? Where in the name of holy jesus is the passion? The drive, the ambition?
Is magic supposed to die with the doll houses and the easy bake ovens? Does it go the first time you realise your parents arnt perfect, or when your "bestest bestest" friend tells someone else about your first crush? When does this dull dissillusionemnt set in? This dual personality?
"And here we wander in illusions...."
Shakespeare might be a dead fag with a bad haircut, but he gets it so right sometimes.
Its 7 in the evening. Theres an elaborate plan made for the evening. But i just want to go to bed and sleep my thoughts away. All this "thinking" business makes life such a bitch.
Is it?
Its weird. The week of torture has offically passed. And i actually got through it, without massive breakdowns or screaming fits. Its over, its over, i keep on telling myself. The understood reaction is that of going out, getting dressed, looking pretty, and enjoying yourself. And i honestly tried, i really did try, to do exactly that. I went out, i looked ok, but i didnt enjoy myself. Everything was fake, everything so fabricated, everything so intended. I laughed and laughed, but i never found anything funny. And we moved from location to location, but my mind was stuck somewhere else.
When did the magic leave my life? Where did the thrill do? Where in the name of holy jesus is the passion? The drive, the ambition?
Is magic supposed to die with the doll houses and the easy bake ovens? Does it go the first time you realise your parents arnt perfect, or when your "bestest bestest" friend tells someone else about your first crush? When does this dull dissillusionemnt set in? This dual personality?
"And here we wander in illusions...."
Shakespeare might be a dead fag with a bad haircut, but he gets it so right sometimes.
Its 7 in the evening. Theres an elaborate plan made for the evening. But i just want to go to bed and sleep my thoughts away. All this "thinking" business makes life such a bitch.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Goldie Gold and Action Jack
Around 20 minutes after that last entry, i felt like such utter crap that i decided to go to bed at around 10-30 which, in relative terms, is very early for me. Im a night person, the house is empty, and theres no one around to irritate me. I do stupid things like put on random songs on full volume and dance around the corridors. I can be myself.
As a friend of mine said when i asked her how she deals with having 9 relatives staying at her place, "I own the nights, no one can take them away from me."
Anyway, there i was lying in bed, doing my usual beathing-meditation exercises which help me clear my head and my phone starts beeping. Who is it? One of the few people who matter to me, someone who i once called goldie gold due to his blonde hair and green eyes. I smiled, and thought back to the days when goldie was loved by every single girl in school, from the young to the old, the beautiful and not so beautiful, the intelligent and not so intelligent. A guy in karachi who looked like a foreigner, it just didnt happen that often. He was the ultimate "stud" and any girl who even got to speak to him was envied by the entire school.
But for me, goldie was so so so different. He was the guy who would willingly drop me home even when i was completely out of the way, just because he enjoyed my company. He was the flirt who complained about the cold so that all of us girls would give him bear hugs so that he could get "heated up". We would have the perviest conversations, he was practically my source of sex education. The drives in his car were some of the best times of my life, just driving and driving, with pink floyd blasting out of his deck (and we took great pride in bieng the only two who actually knew the lyrics.) He was such an idiot, knew nothing about politics, but always listened when i spoke of random countries and how unfair their legal systems were to women. When he was drunk, I was the person holding him up, and then letting him go because he said he was capable of standing on his own two feet (he collapsed within excactly two seconds.) He was my bitching partner, I was his agony aunt, and together, we could take over the world.Goldie, is by far, one of the nicest and most genuine people ive ever met, so obviously when i read his message i burst out laughing.
"Life sucks monkey balls." He writes
"You forgot to mention circus elephant dick" I reply
"So your sad for no reason also huh?" He writes
"And you are too?" I reply
"You tend to forget that we are pretty much the same person, I had a shitty day so i figured that you did too." He writes
"Life is a turd, but you make it less smelly" I reply
"Love you too" He writes
Thanks for the 295624969248 minutes of happiness goldie.
(No, im not in love with him, it would be like having a crush on your brother.)
As a friend of mine said when i asked her how she deals with having 9 relatives staying at her place, "I own the nights, no one can take them away from me."
Anyway, there i was lying in bed, doing my usual beathing-meditation exercises which help me clear my head and my phone starts beeping. Who is it? One of the few people who matter to me, someone who i once called goldie gold due to his blonde hair and green eyes. I smiled, and thought back to the days when goldie was loved by every single girl in school, from the young to the old, the beautiful and not so beautiful, the intelligent and not so intelligent. A guy in karachi who looked like a foreigner, it just didnt happen that often. He was the ultimate "stud" and any girl who even got to speak to him was envied by the entire school.
But for me, goldie was so so so different. He was the guy who would willingly drop me home even when i was completely out of the way, just because he enjoyed my company. He was the flirt who complained about the cold so that all of us girls would give him bear hugs so that he could get "heated up". We would have the perviest conversations, he was practically my source of sex education. The drives in his car were some of the best times of my life, just driving and driving, with pink floyd blasting out of his deck (and we took great pride in bieng the only two who actually knew the lyrics.) He was such an idiot, knew nothing about politics, but always listened when i spoke of random countries and how unfair their legal systems were to women. When he was drunk, I was the person holding him up, and then letting him go because he said he was capable of standing on his own two feet (he collapsed within excactly two seconds.) He was my bitching partner, I was his agony aunt, and together, we could take over the world.Goldie, is by far, one of the nicest and most genuine people ive ever met, so obviously when i read his message i burst out laughing.
"Life sucks monkey balls." He writes
"You forgot to mention circus elephant dick" I reply
"So your sad for no reason also huh?" He writes
"And you are too?" I reply
"You tend to forget that we are pretty much the same person, I had a shitty day so i figured that you did too." He writes
"Life is a turd, but you make it less smelly" I reply
"Love you too" He writes
Thanks for the 295624969248 minutes of happiness goldie.
(No, im not in love with him, it would be like having a crush on your brother.)
Monday, April 04, 2005
Finally.
This bloody page took a year to open up.
The one fucking source of venting that i have also turned against me.
Im incredibly exhausted by all that life throws at me. Someone up there thinks this is all funny. Lets just hit her hard with the various scum of the earth and see what happens. And just when i think that i can handle it, slowly but surely, small things trigger emotions that have pilled up through the days, months and weeks.
There are moments when everything is beautiful, and sometimes, even you feel beautiful. Someone says something or does something that makes you feel so special, so wanted, so cherished. In that stupid moment, you think you can do anything, solve the biggest problem, get over hurdles that you never dared to risk jumping over. These stupid little fantasies keep you going, the first thing you think about at night, the last thing you think about before going to bed. They substitute caffeine and nicotine. They are your high, and you seem to forget a life before them even existed. You begin to live in them, and reality seems so stale. Nothing can take that feeling away, its yours, and hell you want it. Your going to live in this self induced harmony forever and nothing, NOTHING is going to make it disapear.
Except for days like today.
This bloody page took a year to open up.
The one fucking source of venting that i have also turned against me.
Im incredibly exhausted by all that life throws at me. Someone up there thinks this is all funny. Lets just hit her hard with the various scum of the earth and see what happens. And just when i think that i can handle it, slowly but surely, small things trigger emotions that have pilled up through the days, months and weeks.
There are moments when everything is beautiful, and sometimes, even you feel beautiful. Someone says something or does something that makes you feel so special, so wanted, so cherished. In that stupid moment, you think you can do anything, solve the biggest problem, get over hurdles that you never dared to risk jumping over. These stupid little fantasies keep you going, the first thing you think about at night, the last thing you think about before going to bed. They substitute caffeine and nicotine. They are your high, and you seem to forget a life before them even existed. You begin to live in them, and reality seems so stale. Nothing can take that feeling away, its yours, and hell you want it. Your going to live in this self induced harmony forever and nothing, NOTHING is going to make it disapear.
Except for days like today.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
The 5 pillars.
The gay indian on BBC food needs to shut the hell up.
Seriously.
Now.
The pope died yesterday. How sad is that?
Whats worse is that i got teary, and probably felt more sad than ive ever felt when im sitting in a Majlis on the 10th of Ashura.
My approach to religion has really evolved during the years.
I guess the first phase was that of just following whatever people around you would do. There was a part of my family that was really religious. When i would stay with them during the holidays i had to watch ad's on mute, because the jingles were haram. They lived in London, but would not mix with any hindus or sikhs. They would only eat "halal" food, and would drive for one hour to aquire it. When we would to the supermarket i wore a hijab, not really understanding what that meant and what it signified. I wasn't allowed to buy Coke as it was owned by the jews, and everyone knew the jews were just plain evil. I had to eat fish burgers at McDonalds, and even cartoon network was off limits.Their kids had no life, And treated the decoration of Alams like a big joyous treat. (They would use toothbrushes dipped in food colouring and spray the alam cloth to represent blood. Creative? yes. Kind of odd? definately.) I repeat, i was on HOLIDAY, but the daily routine was that of going to atleast two majlises and then listening to one at night at home.
That year, when i got back home i went to my parents room and said, "I want to start wearing the hijab." And my parents werent too happy. My dads best friend is alcohol, and he's known to have parma ham from time to time. My mom, an Indian, has grown up surrounded by holi and diwali. This was not going to integrate too well with their way of living. So i was told just how hard this whole hijab thing was. I could "NEVER take it off" and trust me, it gets really hot under all that cloth. And i couldnt wear my neon floral skirts that my aunts would buy for me when they went on holiday either.
The hijab phase didnt last too long. The skirts were way too cute.
What followed were a couple of years of just "going with the flow" not really caring enough to bother questioning anything.
And then, came the agnostic years. Everything was carefully scrutinized before i went along with it. What was the whole point behind having a "kunda" in which already well fed aunites are fed even more? No one talks about religion, they just put on a pound or two and go home. And about 10,000 rupees are spent on average on each kunda. There has to be better ways of utilizing that money. And majlises, how easily they all start crying just as soon as karbala is mentioned. Its all so phoney and completely fabricated.
In my life, ive visited churches, synagogues, temples... you name it.
But nothing has ever convinced me, nothing ever seems real.
Oh and O level Islamiat doesnt help. When your teacher says matter of factly "yes well women are disadvantaged in Islam. But Islam is religion and is never wrong" you tend to think, well isnt that bloody convenient??
I didnt feel peace when i went for umrah, neither did i start crying when i saw the kaabah. I was too busy sweating under all the extra cover up and trying to run away from sleazy arabic men (especially the hairy ones.)
Karl Marx once said, "Religion is the opium of the masses."
Something to think about I guess.
Seriously.
Now.
The pope died yesterday. How sad is that?
Whats worse is that i got teary, and probably felt more sad than ive ever felt when im sitting in a Majlis on the 10th of Ashura.
My approach to religion has really evolved during the years.
I guess the first phase was that of just following whatever people around you would do. There was a part of my family that was really religious. When i would stay with them during the holidays i had to watch ad's on mute, because the jingles were haram. They lived in London, but would not mix with any hindus or sikhs. They would only eat "halal" food, and would drive for one hour to aquire it. When we would to the supermarket i wore a hijab, not really understanding what that meant and what it signified. I wasn't allowed to buy Coke as it was owned by the jews, and everyone knew the jews were just plain evil. I had to eat fish burgers at McDonalds, and even cartoon network was off limits.Their kids had no life, And treated the decoration of Alams like a big joyous treat. (They would use toothbrushes dipped in food colouring and spray the alam cloth to represent blood. Creative? yes. Kind of odd? definately.) I repeat, i was on HOLIDAY, but the daily routine was that of going to atleast two majlises and then listening to one at night at home.
That year, when i got back home i went to my parents room and said, "I want to start wearing the hijab." And my parents werent too happy. My dads best friend is alcohol, and he's known to have parma ham from time to time. My mom, an Indian, has grown up surrounded by holi and diwali. This was not going to integrate too well with their way of living. So i was told just how hard this whole hijab thing was. I could "NEVER take it off" and trust me, it gets really hot under all that cloth. And i couldnt wear my neon floral skirts that my aunts would buy for me when they went on holiday either.
The hijab phase didnt last too long. The skirts were way too cute.
What followed were a couple of years of just "going with the flow" not really caring enough to bother questioning anything.
And then, came the agnostic years. Everything was carefully scrutinized before i went along with it. What was the whole point behind having a "kunda" in which already well fed aunites are fed even more? No one talks about religion, they just put on a pound or two and go home. And about 10,000 rupees are spent on average on each kunda. There has to be better ways of utilizing that money. And majlises, how easily they all start crying just as soon as karbala is mentioned. Its all so phoney and completely fabricated.
In my life, ive visited churches, synagogues, temples... you name it.
But nothing has ever convinced me, nothing ever seems real.
Oh and O level Islamiat doesnt help. When your teacher says matter of factly "yes well women are disadvantaged in Islam. But Islam is religion and is never wrong" you tend to think, well isnt that bloody convenient??
I didnt feel peace when i went for umrah, neither did i start crying when i saw the kaabah. I was too busy sweating under all the extra cover up and trying to run away from sleazy arabic men (especially the hairy ones.)
Karl Marx once said, "Religion is the opium of the masses."
Something to think about I guess.
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