stupid stupid girl.

Today's fortune:
You are next in line for promotion in your firm

Orkut is so full of ass it scares me.

Its 4-30 in the morning, didn’t even realize it had gotten so late. Time flew by in the weirdest of ways. One minute I was arguing with the brother, the next I was eating cake for dinner and now here I am typing away not knowing if these words are actually worth blogging about eventually.

Since I’ve been a kid, I’ve been an incredibly superstitious person. I think somewhere along the way I substituted weird superstitions for the twisted interpretations of religion that I tend to see around me. What’s happened now, is that I might not pray or believe in heaven or hell but I’ve kind of figured that there must be SOME sort of system of checks and balances somewhere. I mean, what’s the point otherwise? My sociology text book might say that religion only serves to give meaning to a meaningless existence but for once im going to just ignore logic. There has to be some reason why we are here. Is it because of Jesus or Allah or Krishna? I don’t know- all I know is that there is something.

I believe, that things just have to balance out. Call it karma, but I figure that if something good happens to you something bad is on its way (and vice versa). Normally, this works out fine, because when something crap happens I make myself happy and say that something good is about to happen soon. But now, with all these good things happening, im stuck wondering what horrible sorts of bad things are on their way.

In the last three days, ive gotten chicken pox and thus have managed to blissfully miss my exams. I recover three days before my birthday and well in advance of the ball. Ive also gotten into 5 universities and have gotten a major ego boost with the acceptance letters. Plus, I just got surprised by the most amazing dog ever. Two month old golden lab. Sigh. Sigh.

So as you can see, life is G-R-E-A-T, but these kind of things don’t happen to me. You know, like these spur of the moment happy things. Ive never wanted something RIGHT NOW and gotten it RIGHT THEN. I get it eventually, but it doesn’t feel the same. Right now, ive just been hit with a great dose of good luck.

And here I am, instead of enjoying it, im dreading the bad luck that will balance it all out and leave me once again on blissful even empty ground.

They say that people who perpetually say that the glass is half empty forget that its actually half full of air.

Wonder what that means.

!!

Holy jesus mother of christ.

I just got into the college of my dreams.

Fuck me.

Scared. Happy. Scared. Happy. Scared.

stolen.

im bored. i cant sleep because im in too much pain. ive just drugged myself with panadol and i can feel the fever leave me. ugh. i feel disgusting.

the following has been shamefully stolen from fruit boys blog. in my defense, its my favourite scene of all time too.

THAT scene

the best scene ever

"Ricky Fitts : It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

In my next life, i want to be a paper bag

brilliant. just bloody brilliant.

oh fucking hell, i can actually see the sun rise. WHY THE HELL CANT I SLEEP?

oo.aa.ouch.

Back when E managed to chop off a big chunk of her index finger (another story for another day) all she said for a good 4 hours was ‘ohmotherfucker’- like it was all just one word. Back then I remember asking her to spice it up a little, throw in few more curses, or maybe even just shut the hell up so that I could have a few hours of peace. But no, she just ohmotherfuckered till kingdom come.

Last night, I woke up at six in the morning unable to move my head. The entire upper bit of my back had given up on me. My head is covered in weird bumps, maybe im dying, maybe its just coz of stress. Either way, im in such pain that I ended up just sitting and staring till 10 in the morning. I drugged myself to death and ended up sleeping till five. Woke up to find more bumps and more pain.

Listening to Freshmen by Verve Pipe. Damn to Blindside the Goldfish for putting me back into rock-induced-depression.

Cant move, cant think, couldn’t be bothered to feel.

Hey, got second college acceptance last night. Doesn’t balance out all the shit in my life though.

Boston here I come.

argh.

‘Why must my life be such an epic? Maybe it’s just the way I live it.’

Wiser words were never spoken.

Shut off the music, shut the lights.

Me and my glowing screen. Ah, sanctity.

Funny how a few words with an always-on-call friend gets you thinking beyond some lines of conversation. I love how I can call you at 3 in the morning and you don’t mind.

Speak. Speak for you and me and for all the people that shut their ears to your music long ago. Wrap your flailing hands around mine, maybe we can jump together, maybe we can stop trying to live this life alone. The sheer call of dependency rings true, and is deafening to someone who pumps up her volume as loud as she can. Can I do this by myself? Can I ask you for help?

It a straight line, mine and yours. But sometimes while sketching we tend to overlap and sometimes it brings me to wonder whether two is more than one or if its just a sign of weakness. Are we better together or are we safer alone?

:D

This is what happens when you have an exam the next day, but you still couldnt be bothered to pick up the damn book and study.

-

So its set then?

Yep this is our future man. IMPORTANCE MUST BE GIVEN.

I think we need name a name. Makes it sounds official no?

Yeh, but you’re the creative one this is your thing.

Hm.. give me a minute.

Pimp my penis?

PERFECT! PERFECT! The prostitutes have landed!

-

Hahahahha. Man we need to get a life.

Like Now.

(Love you foo)

glow

much love to the mother for buying me such pretty smelly candles from Dubai.

my room smells of vanilla and fresh far away gardens.

mm.

life is good.

life is sweet. 

yup.

I think last night, you were drawing circles around me.

Forgetting people- Easier said than done.

Did we have enough worth forgetting?

Not really no.

Does that make a difference?

Of course not.

oh great.

Another reason why everyone is going to hate us.
I present the class of 2006 shirts.
Heh.


*runs in fear while everyone throws stones at her* 

KJ

(schools ending, people are preparing to leave. Ive spent the last couple of days filling in bye-bye books. This is one that deserves to be on this blog, because without this guy there never would have been a discopapaya)

-

Come in here,
dear boy,
have a cigar.
Youre gonna go far,
Youre gonna fly high

(im quoting Floyd here, how cool am i?)

Jesus Christ KJ, I be writing you a good bye.

I actually knew of your existence before you knew of mine. Your sister told me about you back in 9th grade and told me that you were joining our fabulous school. But life took over, and we didn’t actually share a conversation till FY. Back when I was thrown into our stellar class I recall being incredibly bitter. I knew no one, this was going to suck.

But there you were, and here was our beginning.

I dont remember our first conversation, neither do I remember why we became friends. What I do know however is that you probably kept me sane for all the time that ive known you. From our discussions about religion to politics (remember the day Bush got re-elected and we had a show down with Omar Askari in econ? OH GOD DO YOU REMEMBER HIS FREAKY OBSESSION WITH SHEEP?) to our random nothings- you cease to amaze me. You are my one real friend, youre the guy who knows things that most people dont know, you symbolize the slightly deranged side of me. Ive always respected your flagrant disregard for what people say and ive tried to emulate you in that context. You hold some really precious secrets- if I remember correctly youre the guy who actually got me blogging. Oh god the obsessive Arooj Aftab days. Damn.

You introduced me to good music, to Pink Floyd and Pearl Jam and yes Slip Knot too (they still scare me I cant help it). Youve understood when ive felt like shit, youve listened when I talked shit and youve told me to shut the fuck up when I lost my shit :-D. You’ve not only kept me going, but in some weird way youve aloud me to dream. And dude, thank heavens that ive gotten to know you, because otherwise Id have either killed myself by now or would have become one of the many nothing-people that deserve not a moment of attention or interest.

You get me man, what else can I say. In a world filled with plastic people and white smiles, youre my blue twilight and silver moon.

I promised myself that I wouldnt indulge in the clichéd listing of memories, but I think somethings need to be mentioned. Our orkut stalking, our fabulous general class, romana syed and her pro-fuck life theories, snazz and our neverending harassment of her- not to mention a million msn conversations that ranged from suicidal to just plain stupid. We are cynical, sarcastic and jaded- but hey who gives a fuck we are great and it doesn’t really matter that no one agrees with us.

And I don’t think I need to say the usual, because I KNOW that we WILL stay in touch, I can guarantee that I will NEVER forget you and I can promise that I will adore you forever.

And so, the next time im driving down some random road, and two streetlights get aligned perfectly I will clench my teeth- thats my tribute to the madness that is you.

I give a rats ass about you man, hell I give two.

turn my head.

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover
...darling
I got years...
Pack my suit in a bag
Pack myself in a bag
Pack my suit in a bag
All dressed up for Prague

Look down, feet crossed, elbows digging into my thighs, fingers slightly touching my cheeks.

Breathe woman breathe.

When I close my eyes, I can feel myself rocking slowly backwards and forwards, but when I open my eyes the world is still. I look left and I feel cold wind to my right- I look right and see where you left me.

I shake my head, I had no time for a nervous breakdown, I couldnt let myself wander.

Orange hues, loud music, smokey air.

Why the hell was I not having a good time?

puppy pyaar

Phone rings

Hello?

Greetings pretty lady. Just calling to tell you that you need to be here by 6 coz weird man is coming at 7 and I dont want to be alone with old scary men.

Haan acha sounds good ill be there.

Wait, where are you?

In the car

With who?

With uh. With you know.

OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. Is it done?

Yup.

Your officially committed?

Yes.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Oh god oh god. MUBARAK man.

Yeah I told my driver to drop it to your house.

Haha hes there so you cant talk naa?

YES.

CLASSIC. CLASSIC. So was it awkward?

No, this is awkward.

*At this moment I break into the standard K-I-S-S-I-N-G song to celebrate their new found going-outness.*

Oh one thing.

Yes?

Tell him from now that im not going to help him to buy your birthday presents. And also, that if he gets touchy feely tell him he must ask me for permission first. I have full authority over your humps.

Ok.

And when you guys have babies one must be named after me. Even if its a boy, I dont care if it grows up to have major homosexual tendancies, thats just how things are going to be ok?

Thats when she put the phone down on me.

Heh, much happiness for the both of you :--)

-

I am a mess.

No seriously.

Im surrounded by filth, stacks of unimportant papers, empty bottles of water and coke, a remote, a cordless phone, a digital camera and a set of slit like eyes.

When did I become this person? This lifeless, ambitionless nothing? Someone who doesnt care, who couldnt be bothered to get up and actually do something that mattered, that made some sort of difference.

Pathetic.

I am pathetic.

My existence on this world is useless.

Ugh. Fuck everything.

gluttony

The plan started out with figuring out how to get out on a Sunday without pissing off the parents. Initially, it was the two of us meeting to catch up while everyone thought we had wandered of mysteriously for photo-copying on official ‘family day’. Dressed in an oversized t-shirt and a pair of jeans I walked out of my house to see not one but three people parked in your car.

Everyone grinned really weirdly when I sat down.

Karachi city is a lot of things. Along with being home and something that is integral to my life, its also quite a boring city once you’ve overdone the beach and the standard lunch and dinner plans. After a while, you run out of things to do, and thats when college starts looking quite appealing.

So as I sat, I was briefed on what we were upto. Everyone in the car was craving some form of street food, and our mission was to make everyone happy.

First stop- The forum for ‘clean’ gola gandas. While everyone ordered their own version of lameness, I wandered into Epco and bought slims (I hear you don’t get them anywhere else but Karachi. HOW do you people survive?) for everyone. So we sat like lame fools and ate our gola gandas and slims and cokes. The deal was that everyone had to eat the same thing even if you were throwing up or about to fall sick.

I must say that IF you do ever go to Forum on Sunday please dress nicely. Everyone there looked like they were on a way to a Shaadi seriously. Ive never felt so ugly in my life.

From Forum we went to Bath Island for ‘real’ gola gandas, the ones made in questionable water with the hands of a man who had probably cleaned his nose five minutes before we arrived. As we devoured our condensed milk and syrupy concoctions, the first feelings of fullness were discovered.

But no, we had to go on.

Back to Boat basin for Faluda ( I HATE faluda) and the whores that I call my friends made me have an entire glass full with rose ice cream and the noodle thingys. This was horrible- too sweet for my taste buds entirely. I was pleading for mercy, but they kept on insisting. And so, I held my nose and gulped. The sugar high I got after that one was insane.

Next step- Dhaaba wala parhata and chai. THIS was fine, this I do all the time.

And so the day continued, the last stop being Chatkharay for pani puree and dhai puree. By that time, I was in obvious pain and had turned an awful shade of pink. On the ride home, everyone was silent, stomachs held in agony, mouths exhausted from all the chewing.

Getting home after two hours of shady photocopying has never been this much fun.

And never this bloody fattening :S .

My uniform is NOT going to fit tomorrow morning.

pip pip old chap

I dont know youre name, and I never actually found out. I was so busy organizing and re-organizing that I didnt actually get the time to do anything else. You kept the paints, as did most of the people with you. You told me you would use it in school.

I didnt know you actually attended school.

Someone told me today that I was a good person with bad habits. Weird thing to say, I dont really know what to make of it.

Im listening to spanish/italian/french music right now. Jesus WHAT is this? And what a jutt I am for not being to able to tell the difference between spanish/italian/french.

Im so exhausted that typing in itself is like a chore. This post is so disjointed, doesnt really make much sense. Come to think of it, not much does anymore.

I should reply to people on msn, I just couldnt be bothered.

Today on the way home we sat silently. No music, no talk- just us and our feeling of contentment. J began this whole 'hit the spot' saga, in which he pretty much got everything to go his way. Basically, he wanted to eat that food that would hit the spot, listen to that song that would hit that spot and indulge in the intoxication that would hit the spot. We drove around for what felt like hours trying to find his damn hit the spot song but nothing ever worked. There was always someone in the car who had never heard that song before or for some reason couldnt stand it. Khair, there we were, me having made the mistake of calling shotgun before realising what the job entailed. A frown on my face, I raced through his play list, putting on every song that I figured might just be the ONE.

This?

No.

This.

Hell No

THIS?????

Dude, is that the macarena?

Heh, so after stuffing ourselves at Mr Burger, we departed on our 15 minute journey home and I began to think that his bloody spot would just not be hit today.

Then, comes on Hum Bhoolay by Noori.

LADIES AND LAYDAS! the spot was hit.

We listened to it twice, the first time quietly and the second time with handmovements and emotional voices.

Bloody brilliant I must say.

Life is ok, today was great, tomorrows look a bit dodgy.

Goodbye for now- the sleep is acalling. 

wtf?

why cant i comment on anyones blogs?

not goldies, not sams, not expressomes.

WHY?

award for the weirdest song with the best lyrics goes to-

Everybody is free to wear sunscreen
by Baz Luhrman


Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

ah, fantastic :)

and i present

The class of 2006 :) 

this is how we do

Sports day tomorrow. E-x-c-i-t-e-m-e-n-t

This is some random car with some ranndom 10th graders on it. But hey they look happy and im happy, so i guess this a perfect representation of my life at this moment.

Blue will prevail.

:)

My apologies to anyone whose been stuck in a traffic jam because of our trucks. We tend to go a bit crazy this time of year. 

clink

I didn’t even realize that this blog was a year old. I guess this deserves some sort recognition. I guess at this point your forced to look back and see if anythings changed/become better/become worse.

But hey, im lazy, so why dont you guys figure it out for yourselves :)

Of msn conversations-

C says:
u going to the rally today?

napier napier napier! says:
i am infact old man of the seas

C says:
ill take that as a subtle yes
so what time will u be steering your ship in the direction of the rally o pretty lady?

napier napier napier! says:
o kind sir

C says:
i beseech u to tell thee

napier napier napier! says:
i will go in my red polka dot dress to the abode of the aqib in my victoria at four

Mr.Committeeeee says:
very well then

napier napier napier! says:
though, my victoria's horse (bastard driver is off sick) is a bit under the weather

C says:
alas

napier napier napier! says:
so i may need a kind neighbours kind gesture to kindly take me there (its six streets down, dont make me walk)

C says:
i have a hair ceremony cutting to attend (dude my hair looks like ass)
after which i shall be more than happy to make my presence amply felt


napier napier napier! says:
oh, are you visiting madame nabilas barber shop? (lucky bastard)


C says:
i am yes

napier napier napier! says:
oh heaven forbid

you have no sense of social propreity kind sir

plus, their are no plans for egging today henceforth

it will be an omlette free evening


C says:
it will?

in that case i shall stay a distance from this
rally
they call it

napier napier napier! says:
tee hee. once you give your word you musnt take it back

napier napier napier! says:
WHERE ARE YOUR MORALS? IN YOUR BALLS?

napier napier napier! says:
ok sorry i had to say that

C says:
hahhahaha in my balls

that was so off from the old victorian convo we were having

napier napier napier! says:
i know

napier napier napier! says:
'Well sir, do your morals lie in unity with your testicles?'
Hows that?

C says:
My dear woman, you need medication

napier napier napier! says:
kind sir, I love my insanity, that all that i have to hold on to old chap :D

teehee/sob

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4748292.stm

This is for the dog.

The bud would have found this funny.

I wonder what doggy heaven is like.

the brightside

(For everyone who has not heard this song yet, download Mr Brightside by the Killers. Get the THIN WHITE DUKE remix, its perfect.)

I want to put this down.

I want this to be be permanent somewhere, if not in air and touch then in words.

THIS. This is what it feels like to be happy.

Ok, not a time for mysteries. Not a time to hide what I want to say. This is just a image, this is just me trying to savour a moment.

I didn’t want to go, standing for hours at end while some random plays his guitar to a dead audience is not my scene. And that’s exactly how it was, some pubescent boys screaming into a mic and getting insanely happy because they actually managed to get a girl to look at them. I stood at the front, my back facing the band, my eyes half shut, my mind millions of miles away.

One band two band three band.

I want to go home NOW.

I started feeling sick, small confined spaces make me faint. I walked out for a breather, and sat down with the people who mattered some where in the back. Our guys came on stage, and I realized that this wasn’t the time to have moved away from my killer spot.

‘So, this is for the class of 2006.’

The guitar starts playing, I grin. This is it. Im on my feet, im running, I trip, I hurt myself on the wires. I don’t care.

We all barge onto the stage, picking each other up. We sit, and the man of the hour begins to sing.


Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

I start shrieking. The words come out of my mouth. Shrill, loud and carefree. We all get up and start jumping with the beat. Our own odd version of headbanging. The crowds thinks we are crazy, but we don’t care, we love our madness.


Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag


The lighters came on, we jump harder, the flimsy wood of the stage can’t take our weight. We can feel the ground beneath us shake, but we jump anyway. We jump for our sanity, we jump for our insanity- hell we jump with joy. Now they're going to bed And my stomach is sick And it's all in my head But she's touching his chest now All of us know the words, every single one of us. Im surrounded by everyone I adore, everyone I would give everything for. Fifty mad people going insane, lights bouncing of our clothes, voices being heard for miles. The guitar picks up. He takes off her dress now Let me go And I just can't look It's killing me And taking control The main part was coming, we make a circle for him. Arms linked, bodies moving in one solitary motion. Up. Down. We sing and we dance. And in that moment, the world didn’t seem grey anymore, nobody mattered. There was me and there was them, and I was happy. I was so so happy.

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby Choking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Coz ,i'm Mr. Brightside


I never

Oh shit this is the last part.

I never

Jump for the world to see

I neverrrrrrr

Truly breathtaking.

The song ended, but we stayed in our moment. The guitar stopped, the drums did their final solo, but we stayed.

Remember this, when things don’t turn out exactly how you want or when your mind burns at the thought of waking up to a tomorrow. Remember this when you feel theres no reason left and that you are slowly unraveling into nothingness.

This in itself, is a reason to live.

-

Songs of the day-

Breathe : Telepopmusik
The Wish : Josh Canova

FINALLY. March has begun. Thing are going to be crazy now, what with sports day and all the stuff that come with it. Plus its the last month of proper school coz mocks begin in April. Damn nigga, its all finishing.

Khair, my blog is having major maslas. Not only is it not opening but I cant visit anybody elses. All i can do is post. I just started that system in which your comments are emailed to you. Then i figure i could reply to them in my next post (?).

I cant even see my own posts. Bloody hell.

Life is good, I dont have anything to complain about right now.

Im happy, and thus this blog is well- not the center of my attention right now :)

(melon collie is a really cool name for a blog id)

childish.

hey.

so something good happened to me two days ago. im so happy. so so so so so happy.

can you be happy for me? for one second, just for one moment forget that this world is yours and yours alone and that nobody elses highs and lows matter? i never ask you to share my grief, perhaps you can share my joy?

maybe?

no?

this is me, this is who i am. ive laid myself out for you, pick the peices you want, discard the peices that bore you. im open, im naked, im here. this is all me. im not hidden anymore, im jumping with joy, didnt you see me in my room when i was springing about like a mad woman? you knew how badly i wanted this and you can probably imagine what im going through now that ive gotten it. it opened me up, im no longer the brick wall that i used to be.

im here, this is all me.

i hate the limelight, i hate getting attention. im not asking for speeches and hugs of congratulations. just a pat on the back maybe? then ill be on my way. i wont bother you, not now not ever.

ill be on my way.

can you ever be happy for someone else?