I have 11 precious minutes before i leave for the airport.
I have a million things to do , but right now, i just want to say goodbye.
Will still be in touch, just not from my own computer, but some random internet cafe that cannot boast of having a perfect seat, with a table full of clutter and small insignificant things that make me write what i write.
Take care
Friday, June 17, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
I almost fell into that hole in your life
This post makes absolutely no sense; it’s just a jumble of nothing.
You have been officially warned.
-
It still hovers in the air, eventhough you try not to breath it in. Like that one solitary fly that you just cant seem to sqwat, that swiff of perfume that mingles with the dust and mouldy stench in a sweaty gym. Some people, some thoughts, some ideas- they never seem to leave you.
Right before you go to bed, those couple of minutes before your body drifts of into oblivion, your mind tends to go through a quick recollection of all that happened that day. You rethink some of the things you said and regret them eventually. You try to translate and interpret things that people said to you, what they meant, what they really implied. And then, when your mind has pretty much reached a state of indolence and inactivity, random thoughts of you pop up.
I don’t want to go into some really pointless recollection, mentioning gestures and footprints that only mean something to me. From the beats of that particular song, the way I thought that those beats had been composed for us- just us. How in your car, we used to just go and drive into the most barren parts of town, which were only lit by those headlights that flickered on and off. When we went fast, they seemed to be a million eyes winking at us, smiling at us because they saw the joy that resonated from us.
We played our battles on blinded territories, too fearful to scream, too willing to wound. And now, in retrospect, in a chest full of memories, the toys mingle with the weaponry. Each entity has lost its purpose, outdate and obsolete, our paths don’t even cross anymore.
This is just a mere catalogue of affection.
I once thought so much of you, remember my entire theory on how god had a plan for both of us? That this rocky little path we’ve been tripping onhad eventually made who we had become all the more fun, and all the more worth it. That behind the ashen faces that had been scarred black by the rogue incense, you were my crystal clear piece of glass. There existed charm and simplicity, an odd sort of tranquillity. Accepted for who you were, fiercely independent, you were perfection tainted by humility. Green and naïve, you were so painfully unaware your own brilliance. Remember when I told you that you moved in rhythms, one foot tapping before the next. I meant, that there was an aura around you, when you walked, you seemed like you were dancing to a beat of pure ecstasy. You remain in fragments, in the minds of those who were moved by you, and those who were too rigid to melt. Your conscience always jogged alongside you trying to keep par with a mind flipping through space and liberty, transcending time and epoch. Your beauty, ageless, your charisma, effortless.
I think I need to find out why my wings seem to have wholes punctured in them.
The ability to feel, every atom in my fingers, with the silent hum of doctrined symbols, is what I aspire to achieve. I shut my soul and melt the numbers. A vain effort in running away from the impending doom of a night surrendered. It was long ago somewhere, in between the heavy intoxication of letters, which ceased to have coherent meaning long ago and whiles away. I long sometimes, for a world that once saw me, and a life that would knot my mind into celestial stars that dot the blue print of the lines on my hand, reflected in the outlines on my face. They would trace a pattern of the dead and those who never dared to live outside the chrysalides of comfort that niceties once prevailed over.
The dragonflies and the white cloth seem so similar in the glittery red glow of days gone by. I let myself go and allow myself to muse, that for one second, I see beyond us, and the probability that the numbers that once celebrated the happiness of pinpricks and slogans could even be remotely deceptive of a connection worthy of gods and myths and smiles and the effort that it takes to live through what we might have persisted. In a world that made me succumb to secrecy and falsehood, I gave in to the silver metallic that reflected the longitude of the nakedness in my mind
I laugh myself to sleep
Its my
Lullaby.
-
(I told you do it made no sense)
You have been officially warned.
-
It still hovers in the air, eventhough you try not to breath it in. Like that one solitary fly that you just cant seem to sqwat, that swiff of perfume that mingles with the dust and mouldy stench in a sweaty gym. Some people, some thoughts, some ideas- they never seem to leave you.
Right before you go to bed, those couple of minutes before your body drifts of into oblivion, your mind tends to go through a quick recollection of all that happened that day. You rethink some of the things you said and regret them eventually. You try to translate and interpret things that people said to you, what they meant, what they really implied. And then, when your mind has pretty much reached a state of indolence and inactivity, random thoughts of you pop up.
I don’t want to go into some really pointless recollection, mentioning gestures and footprints that only mean something to me. From the beats of that particular song, the way I thought that those beats had been composed for us- just us. How in your car, we used to just go and drive into the most barren parts of town, which were only lit by those headlights that flickered on and off. When we went fast, they seemed to be a million eyes winking at us, smiling at us because they saw the joy that resonated from us.
We played our battles on blinded territories, too fearful to scream, too willing to wound. And now, in retrospect, in a chest full of memories, the toys mingle with the weaponry. Each entity has lost its purpose, outdate and obsolete, our paths don’t even cross anymore.
This is just a mere catalogue of affection.
I once thought so much of you, remember my entire theory on how god had a plan for both of us? That this rocky little path we’ve been tripping onhad eventually made who we had become all the more fun, and all the more worth it. That behind the ashen faces that had been scarred black by the rogue incense, you were my crystal clear piece of glass. There existed charm and simplicity, an odd sort of tranquillity. Accepted for who you were, fiercely independent, you were perfection tainted by humility. Green and naïve, you were so painfully unaware your own brilliance. Remember when I told you that you moved in rhythms, one foot tapping before the next. I meant, that there was an aura around you, when you walked, you seemed like you were dancing to a beat of pure ecstasy. You remain in fragments, in the minds of those who were moved by you, and those who were too rigid to melt. Your conscience always jogged alongside you trying to keep par with a mind flipping through space and liberty, transcending time and epoch. Your beauty, ageless, your charisma, effortless.
I think I need to find out why my wings seem to have wholes punctured in them.
The ability to feel, every atom in my fingers, with the silent hum of doctrined symbols, is what I aspire to achieve. I shut my soul and melt the numbers. A vain effort in running away from the impending doom of a night surrendered. It was long ago somewhere, in between the heavy intoxication of letters, which ceased to have coherent meaning long ago and whiles away. I long sometimes, for a world that once saw me, and a life that would knot my mind into celestial stars that dot the blue print of the lines on my hand, reflected in the outlines on my face. They would trace a pattern of the dead and those who never dared to live outside the chrysalides of comfort that niceties once prevailed over.
The dragonflies and the white cloth seem so similar in the glittery red glow of days gone by. I let myself go and allow myself to muse, that for one second, I see beyond us, and the probability that the numbers that once celebrated the happiness of pinpricks and slogans could even be remotely deceptive of a connection worthy of gods and myths and smiles and the effort that it takes to live through what we might have persisted. In a world that made me succumb to secrecy and falsehood, I gave in to the silver metallic that reflected the longitude of the nakedness in my mind
I laugh myself to sleep
Its my
Lullaby.
-
(I told you do it made no sense)
Sunday, June 12, 2005
its 6 49 in the morning.
I have to type real slow because otherwise pissy maid will realize im awake and come and knock at my door, and then i will have to interact with pissy maid and thats no fun now is it? All she talks about is Star Plus anyway.
Oo the bell just rang wonder who it is. The paper. Do i dare go and steal it. Nope maid is making tea.
My lenses are so blurred because ive been up for so long, so i cant see all that much. Everythings hazy, kinda cool in its own weird way.
I cant even listen to my music. (Please refer to StarPlus obsessed maid.)
DAMMIT
she knocked
bloody fuck.
If the sheer energy that she puts into harassing me could be bottled up in some way one could really find an alternative source for making electricity.
Must go, the door wont open itself.
So much for alone time.
I have to type real slow because otherwise pissy maid will realize im awake and come and knock at my door, and then i will have to interact with pissy maid and thats no fun now is it? All she talks about is Star Plus anyway.
Oo the bell just rang wonder who it is. The paper. Do i dare go and steal it. Nope maid is making tea.
My lenses are so blurred because ive been up for so long, so i cant see all that much. Everythings hazy, kinda cool in its own weird way.
I cant even listen to my music. (Please refer to StarPlus obsessed maid.)
DAMMIT
she knocked
bloody fuck.
If the sheer energy that she puts into harassing me could be bottled up in some way one could really find an alternative source for making electricity.
Must go, the door wont open itself.
So much for alone time.
Monday, June 06, 2005
A momentary suspension of disbelief.
And so it is, just, like you said it would be.
After an ok exam, with a sleep deprived body, but an artificially alert mind, we all landed up at G's (its what we do, he was sleeping, we pounced on him- the cycle continues). I depart on the best car ride of my life, with the two of them in the front, all of us scared by the thought of being caught by the cops. No license + banned substances + general stirke + angry mullahs = a bloody good yet scary time.From the random bouts of synchronized dancing, to the entire 'choontia' episode, to the whole conspiracy we came up with, Ive never laughed so hard, neither had I ever felt to comfortable as I did with the two of you.
Theres someone, who understands you more than I do.
Sometimes, when horrible things happen, and you realize, that you had been temporarily plungd into plundering darkness, you find that your hands are rendered useless after your eyes have been blinded by stupidity. That those who meant the world to you, are a lot more imperfect than you thought they were, that they did things in secrecy, is a terifying thought to embrace. And they hid, and hid, till one day a little monster named alcohol caused them to blurt things out that you wished you didn’t know, but also wish you had bothered noticing due to its sheer blatancy. It takes so little to make you feel so painfully stupid.
We all sat around, singing at the top of our voices, smiling for no rhyme or reason. She came and plopped herself on my legs, and we laughed about that time and that other time. He picked up his guitar, I hadnt hear him sing in so long. We all knew his song, we were the only ones who had heard it. I had never felt more complete in my life, surrounded by everyone, all of us packed into this one room, overlapping each other. The air was heavy with the smell of smoke, everything looked so perfect when it was hidden behind a sly smokescreen.
You are nothing to me, your words seem like tortured heiroglyphics spoken by a red eyed nobody stuck in some picture taken long ago which encompased three individuals, locked in a frame, broken by time and consequence. Drifting, floating, drowning into a pool of nothingness. I cant hear you, neither do i care about whatever the hell leaves your mouth. Im going to stop talking in cliched sentences, saying things i dont mean, repeating them when you dont listen. Neither am i going to go out of my way to be there for you, or hold you when your falling, this time, im going to let you collapse. Maybe the cold hard concrete will wake you up.
I reach home, crash on the bed after realizing ive been up for more than 24 hours, only to be woken up by S and Liz, and literally dragged out of bed. (No, seriously, one of them had my arms, the other my legs.) We landed up at H's and my mood picked up as soon as Imogen Heap's Hide and Seek was playing in his room. Seeing that we are the only two people whove heard this bloody song, we sang and sang till everyone else wanted to kill us. After arguing endlessly about which lyrics were right and which lyrics we randomly made up, we decided to shelve the entire endeavour and restorted to singing some old boy band ballad. We knew every word, every beat, every pause.
What kills me, is that you don’t even realize what the fuck you’ve done. You don’t even know what an impact your actions have made on people who always believed in you, always wanted the best for you, who thought that you were on the same wave length as they were, and who loved you for no apparent reason. Lines of what is considered right and wrong, the so called code, is all blurry now, one big black hole into which I slowly throw all the ashes of words once spoken, thoughts that once held significance, I love yous that once held meaning. There was a time where I thought that my life without you would not be a perfect circle, that you were all I needed. Fuck you. Fuck you.
And then, the absurd conversations with J in the middle of the night. The sorting out of our love lives hahaha. Thankgod both of them didn’t pick up. Its good that people sleep early in this town, otherwise both of us would have woken up to a bad hangover and two people who we had asked out the night before. Yuck.
Fuck you for once making me feel as special as you did. Fuck you for saying what you used to that made me adore you even more. Fuck you for lying to me for all these months. Fuck you for contradicting yourself. Fuck you for being so good at manipulating me. Fuck you for not being who I thought you were. Fuck you.
Tonight, was just another night. The five of us, trance music, cheap food, lame jokes. We got chased by dogs, he accidently hit my eyebrow (still numb from the peircing), danced along to that odd bhangra song, hid from his parents. I got screamed at for smoking too much, F forget the words of the song. G made his USUAL fuckups and got us lost. We jumped from one car to another. We ran out of money, I ran out of cigarrettes, you dropped me home and waited till I was inside.
I don’t know what to say to you the next time I see you, or the next time you call, because obviously what you did is to absolutely no significance in your mind. It WAS NOT ok. You cant rationalize this in anyway. You just cant. You were wrong.I cant look at you anymore.
Cheating on someone with their bestfriend. Smooth, so bloody fucking smooth.
Bastard.
Bitch.
Friday, June 03, 2005
sigh
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And
I
Will
Try
to
Fix
You.
What a song, What a feeling. What a car ride. What a day.
It was one of those days, in which everything seemed to have its own background music.
When things were just- fine. Not good, not bad. Just fine.
And ignite your bones
And
I
Will
Try
to
Fix
You.
What a song, What a feeling. What a car ride. What a day.
It was one of those days, in which everything seemed to have its own background music.
When things were just- fine. Not good, not bad. Just fine.
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