The entire house is dark; if I wasn’t so indifferent I would be scared. Ive shut the lights in my room so everyone thinks im asleep, the atmosphere is off heavy incense and cold air that cuts through your clothes and makes your toes numb. Wiggle your left toes, wiggle your right, take a swig of water and exhale out a drag that you’ve held in for far too long .
He sits in a little pink car and races about town, getting to destinations, racing against deadlines and time constraints. I could never do it, that lack of freedom that inability to stop and see and feel and remember. Remembering is a funny thing, so many people, so many faces, if only you could rate memories you know- like your top five happiest moments and then conveniently forget all the other ones. Its useless floating around the past, because knowing me im still going to be gasping for breath and searching for someone to throw me one of those circular float things. Things change, people change, but memories, they tend to look the same no matter which way you turn them or if you put them in black or white or in slow motion. And things that you thought you had forgotten about long ago, or at least not remembered daily creep up on you when you least expect it.
My hair falls limp, my eye liners smudged, I look sad but im not really. I know I wont sleep well tonight, but not because of people calling me or because im merely too stressed to sleep, but just because you were remembered today. And remembering you is well- quite a lot for a little girl to handle sometimes.
She sings in the background, she sings like no one else can. And she asks for words, for explanations and for a cementation of feeling. Tell me, tell me, what is it that you want from me? Ive given what I had and Ive buried the rest, don’t ask me to sit and dig it all up, my hands will get scratched and my body will burn in the unrelenting heat.
Eyes meet with eyes, and sometimes emotion meets with emotion. But till then, theres just a girl and what she says and what she thinks on this black screen. The girl with the limp hair, and the head phones placed over her ears, the glasses that are smudged slightly on the left, the mug of green tea with yellow flowers. Its just me, and what we used to be.
And somewhere, in that darkness that swallows everything, every little thing that ever meant something and for those piercing things that still do, theres a place for her to just be.
And in her place, she smiles, shrugs her shoulders and moves on.
Its in the moments really, that you really see lifetimes of sentiment, of those said goodbye to and those that still exist between the moments of defiance , vulnerability and out right lies.
What was that line again?
Good times.. they don’t last long. They linger.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
and done forever
You’re not worth my words darling, im not wasting them on you.
Just know that..
..actually know nothing.
Its better this way.
trancearoundtheworld.
So here I set, my windows open, the fan and ac on and a scented candle lit.
My, my room smells of all the bad stuff.
Glasses, outlined eyes, hair blow dried to death/perfection. I feel pretty. Nerdy yet pretty. Couldn’t be fucked to be put on lenses.
Diet coke. Diet? 3 month diet plan over the summers. If facebook teaches you anything, its that you have to have great hair and a great body to get anywhere in college.
I hate taking pictures of myself, the stupid ass photograph man kept saying smile but with eyes open. I'm like listen mister that isn’t bloody possible. So we end up fighting and we end up taking a picture with no smile but with eyes open. Ima look so mad in my bloody class picture yaar. And to think, I even put on make up so that this wouldn’t be one of those ugly ID pictures that you hate to show.
Bah, god, you shouldve made me photogenic.
Oh well whatever, on the way back my brother and I hijack the music and put on stuff to bug my mom. Little did we know that she would get so very disturbed, not mention confused.
Who’s this singer?
Gwen Stefani.
What the hell is she saying?
That this shit is bananas.
SO wait, let me get this straight, she doesn’t ‘holla’ back but her shit is like bananas?
Fo shixxle ma nixxle.
WHAT?
Forget it mom.
Hahahaha. Two teenagers in the house man. My parents are so going to want to kill us soon.
Room still stinks. Blah.
My, my room smells of all the bad stuff.
Glasses, outlined eyes, hair blow dried to death/perfection. I feel pretty. Nerdy yet pretty. Couldn’t be fucked to be put on lenses.
Diet coke. Diet? 3 month diet plan over the summers. If facebook teaches you anything, its that you have to have great hair and a great body to get anywhere in college.
I hate taking pictures of myself, the stupid ass photograph man kept saying smile but with eyes open. I'm like listen mister that isn’t bloody possible. So we end up fighting and we end up taking a picture with no smile but with eyes open. Ima look so mad in my bloody class picture yaar. And to think, I even put on make up so that this wouldn’t be one of those ugly ID pictures that you hate to show.
Bah, god, you shouldve made me photogenic.
Oh well whatever, on the way back my brother and I hijack the music and put on stuff to bug my mom. Little did we know that she would get so very disturbed, not mention confused.
Who’s this singer?
Gwen Stefani.
What the hell is she saying?
That this shit is bananas.
SO wait, let me get this straight, she doesn’t ‘holla’ back but her shit is like bananas?
Fo shixxle ma nixxle.
WHAT?
Forget it mom.
Hahahaha. Two teenagers in the house man. My parents are so going to want to kill us soon.
Room still stinks. Blah.
Friday, May 26, 2006
states of trance.
Wake.
11-13 in the morning.
Slow baby steps. Must not move head too much. Stay away from light, light is bad, light is very bad. Reach for your staple mug of water and chug down. Half lying down half sitting up, you dare to open your eyes. The left first, then the right. Wait for it. Wait for it.
Hungover?
Nope, still drunk.
The last three days have been crazy. I'm pretty sure everyone has figured out what ive been up to. So why bother huh? Why bother with the stoned recollections and drunken conversations. Why tell you that you feel so incredibly smart and have such beautiful moments and the world, the world just looks so symmetrical you know? And you think thoughts that you wouldn’t otherwise, and feel new rushes and joys over things that lost their magic so long ago.
Heh, why bother.
Life is random these days, and I guess this post is not much more than an update. My exams are over, they were actually pretty damn decent, I might actually manage to maintain my A’s and not fail miserably as I had imagined. That day was horrible though, six hours of exams and a body so completely exhausted. I just went home and slept that day, forget the partying and the celebration, I just needed to bloody well sleep.
But since then, its been all about the butterflies and pots of gold in the life of me. J and I have discovered this dodgy website online where you get trance sets an hour after they are played live- and for anyone into trance this is HUGE- and its FREE and with my DSL and his knowledge on the music we make the best couple. All we do is sit download and enjoy. The sheer quality of music in my ears these days is crazy.
My brother is going through puberty, it is truly HILARIOUS. My parents have no idea what is going on, all he does is stay in his room, can’t stand to be disturbed, sleeps till four in the afternoon as is awake till the sun rises. Best thing is, that the only person he bothers to talk to is me because after all ive been there six years ago and know exactly how to handle a pubescent teen. Being twelve kind of sucked if I remember correctly, though he has no acne, but his voice still hasn’t cracked. The fact that I’m going to miss him growing up is horrible, but I must say being the old cooler sister never gets old. May he continue asking me for advice and telling me his secrets and asking me what curse words mean :D.
Yesterday, the two of us were ditched by all our other friends because they had to go for tuitions and well- our exams are over. So, we said fuck them and decided to have our fun. Now, we don’t know each other very well, but who cares when your stoned you love everyone. We bought birthday cards for his mother, ate jalebis and pakoras, and drove around sea view at dusk. Dusk, dusk is the prettiest time of the day. Always. Not because of its colour, because there isn’t much, just grey and orange, but because of its nudity. The sky is charcoal grey, the ground is dew drop yellow and there is nothing but numbness in between.
Don’t understand what im saying? Yeah, you had to be there.
It was truly up there in the top ten best days of my life.
Ok maybe twenty.
Khair, now I must go, because I need to bathe, then I can eat or watch tv or go out or heaven forbid I could clean my room. Point im trying to make here is that I finally have all the choices in the world.
And the decision? The decision is all mine to make :D
11-13 in the morning.
Slow baby steps. Must not move head too much. Stay away from light, light is bad, light is very bad. Reach for your staple mug of water and chug down. Half lying down half sitting up, you dare to open your eyes. The left first, then the right. Wait for it. Wait for it.
Hungover?
Nope, still drunk.
The last three days have been crazy. I'm pretty sure everyone has figured out what ive been up to. So why bother huh? Why bother with the stoned recollections and drunken conversations. Why tell you that you feel so incredibly smart and have such beautiful moments and the world, the world just looks so symmetrical you know? And you think thoughts that you wouldn’t otherwise, and feel new rushes and joys over things that lost their magic so long ago.
Heh, why bother.
Life is random these days, and I guess this post is not much more than an update. My exams are over, they were actually pretty damn decent, I might actually manage to maintain my A’s and not fail miserably as I had imagined. That day was horrible though, six hours of exams and a body so completely exhausted. I just went home and slept that day, forget the partying and the celebration, I just needed to bloody well sleep.
But since then, its been all about the butterflies and pots of gold in the life of me. J and I have discovered this dodgy website online where you get trance sets an hour after they are played live- and for anyone into trance this is HUGE- and its FREE and with my DSL and his knowledge on the music we make the best couple. All we do is sit download and enjoy. The sheer quality of music in my ears these days is crazy.
My brother is going through puberty, it is truly HILARIOUS. My parents have no idea what is going on, all he does is stay in his room, can’t stand to be disturbed, sleeps till four in the afternoon as is awake till the sun rises. Best thing is, that the only person he bothers to talk to is me because after all ive been there six years ago and know exactly how to handle a pubescent teen. Being twelve kind of sucked if I remember correctly, though he has no acne, but his voice still hasn’t cracked. The fact that I’m going to miss him growing up is horrible, but I must say being the old cooler sister never gets old. May he continue asking me for advice and telling me his secrets and asking me what curse words mean :D.
Yesterday, the two of us were ditched by all our other friends because they had to go for tuitions and well- our exams are over. So, we said fuck them and decided to have our fun. Now, we don’t know each other very well, but who cares when your stoned you love everyone. We bought birthday cards for his mother, ate jalebis and pakoras, and drove around sea view at dusk. Dusk, dusk is the prettiest time of the day. Always. Not because of its colour, because there isn’t much, just grey and orange, but because of its nudity. The sky is charcoal grey, the ground is dew drop yellow and there is nothing but numbness in between.
Don’t understand what im saying? Yeah, you had to be there.
It was truly up there in the top ten best days of my life.
Ok maybe twenty.
Khair, now I must go, because I need to bathe, then I can eat or watch tv or go out or heaven forbid I could clean my room. Point im trying to make here is that I finally have all the choices in the world.
And the decision? The decision is all mine to make :D
Monday, May 22, 2006
AAAARGH
I HAVE TWO EXAMS TOMORROW.
TWO DO YOU HEAR ME? TWO.
SOCIOLOGY AND HISTORY.
TWO THREE-HOUR EXTRAVAGANZAS IN SOME HORRIBLE PLACE THAT IS BLOODY FAR AWAY FROM MY HOUSE AND IS SO BLOODY HOT THAT SOME GIRL ACTUALLY PASSED OUT WHILE GIVING HER URDU PAPER.
I was up still seven in the morning doing socio and I thought that I could sleep in a little and wake up by around noon because I needed around five hours of sleep to partially function the rest of the day. But NOOOO at NINE FUCKING FOURTY FOUR –yes I remember EXACTLY WHEN- my phone starts ringing with the most RANDOMEST number. Now you see, I am a weird person with a weird phone so it only comes with two ring tones. One is this odd Indian movie song and the other is an even odder Indian movie one. So you can imagine the bloody heart attack I have when my whole bed starts vibrating along the tune of ‘Kaho Na Pyaar Hain.’
Fucking A. and now ive been tossing and turning and trying to go back to bed but the bastard calls keep on coming. And I don’t pick up, I wont pick up because I HATE the person who is calling. Ive gotten TWO hours of sleep thanks to you and I don’t care if you were the Dalai Lama I don’t CARE about WHAT you have to say.
Thinking about it, they were all international numbers. Might just have been the bloody Dalai Lama. Is that guy still alive? Didn’t the Chinese fight a war with India when he fled the border? God knows, either way, IF he is dead and is calling me from heaven I STILL DON’T CARE.
SO, for whoever you were FUCK OFF. I DESPISE YOU WITH EVERY BONE IN MY BODY. May you never find happiness or a good nights sleep.
Motherfucker.
-
On a separate note, PLEASE pray for me. I need it. I really really really need it. Just two minutes and a little look unto the sky and a little prayer for me ok? REALLY APRECIATED AND REALLY REQUIRED. I will PERSONALLY kiss all your asses if you pray for me.
-
On a HAPPIER note, freedom is JUST over 27 hours away :D.
TWO DO YOU HEAR ME? TWO.
SOCIOLOGY AND HISTORY.
TWO THREE-HOUR EXTRAVAGANZAS IN SOME HORRIBLE PLACE THAT IS BLOODY FAR AWAY FROM MY HOUSE AND IS SO BLOODY HOT THAT SOME GIRL ACTUALLY PASSED OUT WHILE GIVING HER URDU PAPER.
I was up still seven in the morning doing socio and I thought that I could sleep in a little and wake up by around noon because I needed around five hours of sleep to partially function the rest of the day. But NOOOO at NINE FUCKING FOURTY FOUR –yes I remember EXACTLY WHEN- my phone starts ringing with the most RANDOMEST number. Now you see, I am a weird person with a weird phone so it only comes with two ring tones. One is this odd Indian movie song and the other is an even odder Indian movie one. So you can imagine the bloody heart attack I have when my whole bed starts vibrating along the tune of ‘Kaho Na Pyaar Hain.’
Fucking A. and now ive been tossing and turning and trying to go back to bed but the bastard calls keep on coming. And I don’t pick up, I wont pick up because I HATE the person who is calling. Ive gotten TWO hours of sleep thanks to you and I don’t care if you were the Dalai Lama I don’t CARE about WHAT you have to say.
Thinking about it, they were all international numbers. Might just have been the bloody Dalai Lama. Is that guy still alive? Didn’t the Chinese fight a war with India when he fled the border? God knows, either way, IF he is dead and is calling me from heaven I STILL DON’T CARE.
SO, for whoever you were FUCK OFF. I DESPISE YOU WITH EVERY BONE IN MY BODY. May you never find happiness or a good nights sleep.
Motherfucker.
-
On a separate note, PLEASE pray for me. I need it. I really really really need it. Just two minutes and a little look unto the sky and a little prayer for me ok? REALLY APRECIATED AND REALLY REQUIRED. I will PERSONALLY kiss all your asses if you pray for me.
-
On a HAPPIER note, freedom is JUST over 27 hours away :D.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
that i would be good- alanis morissette
'that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds'
And then the tears start falling, and you feel the whole world is against you, when you pushed everyone away to start with. You can’t think, you can’t feel, everything is numb. Your body gave up on you two days ago, and just now, just five minutes ago, your brain followed suit. You always managed in the end, you were the winner, you always won. And now, you’ve let yourself down. And that’s the worst by the way, disappointing other people is fine, but when you KNOW you could have really done everything differently is when it really truly sucks.
Drip. Drip. My cheeks burn, ive been too busy typing to brush the tears away. Stain my t-shirt, turns an innocent red into a deep maroon.
- says:
man
fuck fuck fuck
whats going to happen i dont know
- says:
im so scared
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
babbyy!! relaaaxxx!!!
noooo!!! don't be scaredd!!
the more scared u'll be the more ull think ur fucked and then u'll get fucked
just relax sexy!! u know ur shit!! u know it!
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
I realize soon that i'm actually physically shaking. The pain killers arnt working, and my migraine is causing my vision to blur. The yellow of my room is piercing right through, and for a moment it feels like I cant breathe. I reach out, turn out the lights, and sigh when the room becomes inky blue instead of sunshine yellow. Dulled lighting, dulled sense. Staring at the monitor requires way too much effort, so I close my eyes and just try to lie still. But I cant, i'm still shaking. I stand up and try to walk around to shake off the nervous hysteria, but my feet don’t budge, and i'm left standing- alone.
- says:
i dont know man, it just feels like such a fucking hopeless situation
ive never been like this , NEVER.
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
abhii uve just had a crazy day!
noooo!
just relaxx
imagine macalester aaahhh!!
we're going in 2 months man.. COLLEGE BABY.
macalester awaits ur stressed ass which probally has many knots in it, so i'll call my massage woman for u for you on the 23rd
- says:
HAHAHHAHAHAH
I LOVE YOU
hahahhahahaha
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
seee ur laughing
I wasn’t really, but how would she know.
that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i'm overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
I don’t know what happens to me from time to time. Its like this happy smile that I keep up all the time becomes me and soon this angry scared version of me never existed. And then, at the first indication of stress and challenges I just crumble. And not normal amounts, I don’t slip, I just fucking fall.
And in that moment, I have never ever hated myself more.
I am so weak. Vulnerable. So, so so low.
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
don't worry the knots will be un-knotted
and u'll get molested in the process! ahahah
- says:
your massage woman sounds a bit scary.
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
hahaha she's this big faaattt black woman
- says:
MAN I DONT WANT NO BLACK FAT WOMAN TOUCHING ME
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
noooo it’s a normal massage man
it's just the ass and hte back and hte tummy and the legs and the necck
- says:
SHE DOES THE ASS??? WHAT??
FUCK YOU NOBODY IS TOUCHING ME ASS ACHA
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
ahhaha calm down. Ok when I call her ill tell her not to do the ass.
"haan meri dost naa us kee bottom math karna" HAHAHAHA
- says:
YUCK
dude
I AM NOT LYING IN FRONT OF SOME RANDOM WOMAN WHO FEELS UP MY ASS
thats like RAPE man
I COULD TAKE HER TO COURT
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you
Leading three different lives at one time. Priceless.
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds'
And then the tears start falling, and you feel the whole world is against you, when you pushed everyone away to start with. You can’t think, you can’t feel, everything is numb. Your body gave up on you two days ago, and just now, just five minutes ago, your brain followed suit. You always managed in the end, you were the winner, you always won. And now, you’ve let yourself down. And that’s the worst by the way, disappointing other people is fine, but when you KNOW you could have really done everything differently is when it really truly sucks.
Drip. Drip. My cheeks burn, ive been too busy typing to brush the tears away. Stain my t-shirt, turns an innocent red into a deep maroon.
- says:
man
fuck fuck fuck
whats going to happen i dont know
- says:
im so scared
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
babbyy!! relaaaxxx!!!
noooo!!! don't be scaredd!!
the more scared u'll be the more ull think ur fucked and then u'll get fucked
just relax sexy!! u know ur shit!! u know it!
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
I realize soon that i'm actually physically shaking. The pain killers arnt working, and my migraine is causing my vision to blur. The yellow of my room is piercing right through, and for a moment it feels like I cant breathe. I reach out, turn out the lights, and sigh when the room becomes inky blue instead of sunshine yellow. Dulled lighting, dulled sense. Staring at the monitor requires way too much effort, so I close my eyes and just try to lie still. But I cant, i'm still shaking. I stand up and try to walk around to shake off the nervous hysteria, but my feet don’t budge, and i'm left standing- alone.
- says:
i dont know man, it just feels like such a fucking hopeless situation
ive never been like this , NEVER.
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
abhii uve just had a crazy day!
noooo!
just relaxx
imagine macalester aaahhh!!
we're going in 2 months man.. COLLEGE BABY.
macalester awaits ur stressed ass which probally has many knots in it, so i'll call my massage woman for u for you on the 23rd
- says:
HAHAHHAHAHAH
I LOVE YOU
hahahhahahaha
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
seee ur laughing
I wasn’t really, but how would she know.
that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i'm overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
I don’t know what happens to me from time to time. Its like this happy smile that I keep up all the time becomes me and soon this angry scared version of me never existed. And then, at the first indication of stress and challenges I just crumble. And not normal amounts, I don’t slip, I just fucking fall.
And in that moment, I have never ever hated myself more.
I am so weak. Vulnerable. So, so so low.
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
don't worry the knots will be un-knotted
and u'll get molested in the process! ahahah
- says:
your massage woman sounds a bit scary.
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
hahaha she's this big faaattt black woman
- says:
MAN I DONT WANT NO BLACK FAT WOMAN TOUCHING ME
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
noooo it’s a normal massage man
it's just the ass and hte back and hte tummy and the legs and the necck
- says:
SHE DOES THE ASS??? WHAT??
FUCK YOU NOBODY IS TOUCHING ME ASS ACHA
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
ahhaha calm down. Ok when I call her ill tell her not to do the ass.
"haan meri dost naa us kee bottom math karna" HAHAHAHA
- says:
YUCK
dude
I AM NOT LYING IN FRONT OF SOME RANDOM WOMAN WHO FEELS UP MY ASS
thats like RAPE man
I COULD TAKE HER TO COURT
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you
Leading three different lives at one time. Priceless.
Friday, May 19, 2006
mercy
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today
Tiny dancer
Elton John
I am crumbling. I can’t do it. I am crumbling. Fall, fall further, bend beneath.
I have fallen, I can’t do it.
If only someone would understand. Someone, anyone.
200th post. Oh, wow. Two hundred represtentations of me and nothings changed.
I think theres something fundamentally wrong with me.
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today
Tiny dancer
Elton John
I am crumbling. I can’t do it. I am crumbling. Fall, fall further, bend beneath.
I have fallen, I can’t do it.
If only someone would understand. Someone, anyone.
200th post. Oh, wow. Two hundred represtentations of me and nothings changed.
I think theres something fundamentally wrong with me.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
mia.
yeah, so ima take a break from blogging.
till my exams finish, or till i come up with something semi-interesting to say.
till then, bubye.
ps- http://www.pkblogs.com/blindsidethegoldfish/2006/05/tightly-sealed-in-from-all-sides.html
this one probably only makes sense to goldie himself, but i still think theres wisdom in it somewhere.
pps- http://www.pkblogs.com/jumpthespace/2006/05/fiction.html
if you dont get emotional after this one, then you either have no heart or have never had your heart broken.
till my exams finish, or till i come up with something semi-interesting to say.
till then, bubye.
ps- http://www.pkblogs.com/blindsidethegoldfish/2006/05/tightly-sealed-in-from-all-sides.html
this one probably only makes sense to goldie himself, but i still think theres wisdom in it somewhere.
pps- http://www.pkblogs.com/jumpthespace/2006/05/fiction.html
if you dont get emotional after this one, then you either have no heart or have never had your heart broken.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
you know youre an orslut when your making history notes and instead of writing:
'Reasons why the US wanted to improve diplomatic relations with China'
you write
'Reasons why the US wanted China's frandship.'
Jesus.
-------
sick of reading what i write?
read this-
http://www.pkblogs.com/allthepainmoneycanbuy/2006/05/dirty-linen.html#comments
'Reasons why the US wanted to improve diplomatic relations with China'
you write
'Reasons why the US wanted China's frandship.'
Jesus.
-------
sick of reading what i write?
read this-
http://www.pkblogs.com/allthepainmoneycanbuy/2006/05/dirty-linen.html#comments
Saturday, May 13, 2006
random
So, its 7-16 in the morning, and at this very moment I have three things to say-
It would however be nice if you just accepted the fact that I’m an untidy person instead of projectile vomiting every time you walk into my room. Just a thought.
I will never understand people’s obsession with American Idol, so the rocker got kicked out, move on please no tears need to be shed. I do however miss tv generally, I miss watching 24 and calling up Hen and discussing how Jack Bauer is sex in a bullet proof vest.
I miss having a life.
God has made me many things, but he has not made me stupid. And for that dearest God, I thank you muchly. I can be the height of idiotic and irresponsible and disorganized, but alas I am not stupid. And trust me, some people just are, and if you’re one of those unfortunate ones, then you’re simply stuck. You can try and try, but if you’re just innately duh then good luck to you o dim ones.
My dad is the shit. Yes you Mr Bald Man with the random temper and completely unjustified hatred towards my dog. You are weird, but when I need someone to save my ass it’s always you. I love you. You be the dependable one.
It would however be nice if you just accepted the fact that I’m an untidy person instead of projectile vomiting every time you walk into my room. Just a thought.
I will never understand people’s obsession with American Idol, so the rocker got kicked out, move on please no tears need to be shed. I do however miss tv generally, I miss watching 24 and calling up Hen and discussing how Jack Bauer is sex in a bullet proof vest.
I miss having a life.
blargh.
Just when you think your finally ok with leaving school and being in this odd inbetween phase where your not in high school but not in college either-
-you see a picture of some random bit of school that you walked past everyday on your way to Literature or General and you stop for a second and realize that youve said goodbye to an identity that has defined who you are for the past eighteen years.
I feel safe here, with that bench and that overflowing board. With the boring grey flooring and the little spots of greenery that give much relief after double Econ.
Now, im back to square one.
Scared.
Friday, May 12, 2006
then the snowflakes start to fall.
‘There’s a blue, there’s a blue sky on my left and a pink sky on my right’
Hey there little girl, with your over whelming presence and your mysterious glances. With your slanted eyes, your notorious laughter, the way you throw your head back and your eyes twinkle little tokens of silver. Hey you, with your long fingers and wavy locks, your side ways nudges and lead filled feet. With your dreams and your ambitions. With your fairy lights that shine golden when the sky is an inky blue and the night stars have covered themselves with modesty. With your rebellious streak, your impatience, your struggles and your victories. Your little happiness’s, your moldy past and your speckled future.
You too can fall.
‘Seasons change
And you grow a little wiser
Nothing stays the same
The past becomes the future
Seasons change
Only the cherry blossoms they bloom again
They will bloom, they will bloom’
Hey there little girl, with your over whelming presence and your mysterious glances. With your slanted eyes, your notorious laughter, the way you throw your head back and your eyes twinkle little tokens of silver. Hey you, with your long fingers and wavy locks, your side ways nudges and lead filled feet. With your dreams and your ambitions. With your fairy lights that shine golden when the sky is an inky blue and the night stars have covered themselves with modesty. With your rebellious streak, your impatience, your struggles and your victories. Your little happiness’s, your moldy past and your speckled future.
You too can fall.
‘Seasons change
And you grow a little wiser
Nothing stays the same
The past becomes the future
Seasons change
Only the cherry blossoms they bloom again
They will bloom, they will bloom’
Thursday, May 11, 2006
when you run out of things to write..
you put a picture of the ball :D.
A few us, the formal boys, the formal girls and the infamous 'chadda group' and their memorable strip show to Papi Chulo on the dance floor.
Heh, good good great times.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
like two lunatics.
An unassuming Msn conversation with the only person who really truly cares.
About me, and er, about other things.
Aqua = me
. says:
how was urdu?
wretched says:
i want to do you right now
it was good
. says:
er, why?
nice one.
wretched says:
Comecomecome over tomorrow please
well have kangaroo sex
. says:
but..but.. exams man I gots to study.
wretched says:
yea.
i know
have you finished soshio?
. says:
i just finished making the notes
but no learning.
so well technically i havnt started yet
wretched says:
making notes for everything
wow-wee. Bloody socio queen. Its like the damn subject is coming out of your ass.
MAN I BETTER GO AND COMPLETE SOCIO
I THO HAVENT EVEN COMPLETED MY NOTES MOTHERFUCKER
. says:
hahahah ok
but we can date tomorrow?
hot spot or something?
wretched says:
KHAJOOOOOOOOOOOOORR
WE CAN ORDER PIZZAA
I TOLD YOUU
I HAVE SOME 12 FREE PIZZAA SCENE FROM PIZZA HUT
IM FREEEE FROM TWO THARRTY TO SIX THAARTY
SO WE CAN HAVE WILD CROCODILE SEX
. says:
hey hey hey okay
wretched says:
THEN WELL HAVE WILD MONGOOSE SEX
. says:
WHATS WRONG WITH YOU IM NOT USED TO YOU WANTING ME SO BADLY
wretched says:
BUT I REALLY DO
I HAVENT SEEN YOU IN SO LONG
WHEN YOU COME
WELL HAVE WILD GIRAFFE SEX
. says:
cant we just have human sex?
wretched says:
FROGGY STYLE
NO
THATS NOT COOL MAN
. says:
ITS DOGGY STYLE YOU FUCK
wretched says:
WHATEVER
AXEL THE FROG IS IN
ANYWAY
. says:
ok ok
go, your officially scaring me now
ill see you in twelve hours
wretched says:
THEN WHAT WILL WE HAVE?
WILD FISH SEX
. says:
FISH DONT EVEN HAVE PROPER SEX
its this whole excreting sperm thingy
plus, i cant hold my breath that long
STOP ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
STOP YOU FUCKING NYMPHO
wretched says:
okay... dolphin sex??
kamasutra?? maybe??
SNAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SEXXXXXXXXXXXX
. says:
CAN WE JUST TALK AND EAT PIZZA
wretched says:
SLOWWW BABYYY SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW- you know like snails.
That is when I blocked her. Bus i'm sorry you know I love you but that was too much. Snail sex? SNAIL SEX?
Then she calls me, speaks about antelope sex. I put the phone down.
Then she messages me, saying she will have rabbit sex with me.
Dude, AND THEN YOU CALL ME INSANE?
I mean, COME ON.
About me, and er, about other things.
Aqua = me
. says:
how was urdu?
wretched says:
i want to do you right now
it was good
. says:
er, why?
nice one.
wretched says:
Comecomecome over tomorrow please
well have kangaroo sex
. says:
but..but.. exams man I gots to study.
wretched says:
yea.
i know
have you finished soshio?
. says:
i just finished making the notes
but no learning.
so well technically i havnt started yet
wretched says:
making notes for everything
wow-wee. Bloody socio queen. Its like the damn subject is coming out of your ass.
MAN I BETTER GO AND COMPLETE SOCIO
I THO HAVENT EVEN COMPLETED MY NOTES MOTHERFUCKER
. says:
hahahah ok
but we can date tomorrow?
hot spot or something?
wretched says:
KHAJOOOOOOOOOOOOORR
WE CAN ORDER PIZZAA
I TOLD YOUU
I HAVE SOME 12 FREE PIZZAA SCENE FROM PIZZA HUT
IM FREEEE FROM TWO THARRTY TO SIX THAARTY
SO WE CAN HAVE WILD CROCODILE SEX
. says:
hey hey hey okay
wretched says:
THEN WELL HAVE WILD MONGOOSE SEX
. says:
WHATS WRONG WITH YOU IM NOT USED TO YOU WANTING ME SO BADLY
wretched says:
BUT I REALLY DO
I HAVENT SEEN YOU IN SO LONG
WHEN YOU COME
WELL HAVE WILD GIRAFFE SEX
. says:
cant we just have human sex?
wretched says:
FROGGY STYLE
NO
THATS NOT COOL MAN
. says:
ITS DOGGY STYLE YOU FUCK
wretched says:
WHATEVER
AXEL THE FROG IS IN
ANYWAY
. says:
ok ok
go, your officially scaring me now
ill see you in twelve hours
wretched says:
THEN WHAT WILL WE HAVE?
WILD FISH SEX
. says:
FISH DONT EVEN HAVE PROPER SEX
its this whole excreting sperm thingy
plus, i cant hold my breath that long
STOP ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
STOP YOU FUCKING NYMPHO
wretched says:
okay... dolphin sex??
kamasutra?? maybe??
SNAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SEXXXXXXXXXXXX
. says:
CAN WE JUST TALK AND EAT PIZZA
wretched says:
SLOWWW BABYYY SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW- you know like snails.
That is when I blocked her. Bus i'm sorry you know I love you but that was too much. Snail sex? SNAIL SEX?
Then she calls me, speaks about antelope sex. I put the phone down.
Then she messages me, saying she will have rabbit sex with me.
Dude, AND THEN YOU CALL ME INSANE?
I mean, COME ON.
all that i ever was
’We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?’
Chasing Cars
Snow Patrol
Will you rescue me? I need saving. Will you come and take me away and show me wild stars and stray dandelions growing on footpaths, accented by tarmac and grey? Will you show me the pink inside the blue, the aqua in the silver, the prettiness of the world that seems covered in black clouds?
Will you be my savior? I think im falling from grace.
No?
Yeah, I didn’t think so either.
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?’
Chasing Cars
Snow Patrol
Will you rescue me? I need saving. Will you come and take me away and show me wild stars and stray dandelions growing on footpaths, accented by tarmac and grey? Will you show me the pink inside the blue, the aqua in the silver, the prettiness of the world that seems covered in black clouds?
Will you be my savior? I think im falling from grace.
No?
Yeah, I didn’t think so either.
Monday, May 08, 2006
how to save a life
Sometimes, all you need is good company and someone treating you to a Butterfinger Mc Flurry when you are completely broke.
Its funny how all the crap in your life can just melt away when you start laughing so hard that you can’t swallow.
Loose shalwar kameez, finding money when you thought you had none, resorting to buying Gold Leafs because after the Mc flurry you have no money left, driving around sea view with your hair hitting your face incredibly unattractively, roaming around every pharmacy in Karachi to find your ‘studying aids’.
You make me grin like no one else.
Its funny how all the crap in your life can just melt away when you start laughing so hard that you can’t swallow.
Loose shalwar kameez, finding money when you thought you had none, resorting to buying Gold Leafs because after the Mc flurry you have no money left, driving around sea view with your hair hitting your face incredibly unattractively, roaming around every pharmacy in Karachi to find your ‘studying aids’.
You make me grin like no one else.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
argh revisited
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
I think I am loosing faith in myself.
I like the fact that you called thrice to check up on me. Its nice to have someone who doesn’t love you only because it suits them.
Feel used. Hah, it was convenient wasn’t it? I'm your little distraction when the rest of the world is too difficult to deal with . I'm sorry; I’m tired of listening and listening to you and your far from interesting life and your over exaggerated demons.
Ever asked me how I am?
Fuck off.
Then I hope it takes me too
I think I am loosing faith in myself.
I like the fact that you called thrice to check up on me. Its nice to have someone who doesn’t love you only because it suits them.
Feel used. Hah, it was convenient wasn’t it? I'm your little distraction when the rest of the world is too difficult to deal with . I'm sorry; I’m tired of listening and listening to you and your far from interesting life and your over exaggerated demons.
Ever asked me how I am?
Fuck off.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Soul meets body.
Its the name of the song, not the title of this blog post. Its way too bloody kinky for me thankyouverymuch.
-
'Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
Where they’re far more suited than here
.
I cannot guess what we'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain'
-
Is it normal to be incredibly jovial at four thirty in the morning?
.
Changed blog skin, not too sure if im happy with it. Got kind of used to the boring black of the last one. The fonts too small, ima try to make to make it bigger. Now in retrospect I wish I hadnt changed it, but sadly there really isnt much more to do at bloody fourty thirty in the morning is there?
.
Still jovial.
.
Mucho grins to the world.
ARGH
How I should be spending my days-
Wake. Study. Eat. Study. Sleep.
How I am spending my days-
Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Smoke. Msn. Orkut. Phone calls. Tv. 24 marathon. Smoke. Red Bull. Books? Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Eat. Smoke. Drive. Sleep.
Wake. Study. Eat. Study. Sleep.
How I am spending my days-
Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Smoke. Msn. Orkut. Phone calls. Tv. 24 marathon. Smoke. Red Bull. Books? Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Eat. Smoke. Drive. Sleep.
Friday, May 05, 2006
to friends
and the rest of life’s uncontrollable dramas
to sober fun, to long car rides and our music, to trashing every place in Karachi and nearly being thrown out for making too much noise, for the laugher and the silent moments, for knowing smiles and hidden grins, to inside jokes, to made up words and unspoken yet realized sentences-
-for knowing for believing and for all that comes in between.
I love you guys.
‘There now, steady love,
so few come and don't go
Will you won't you,
be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control,
the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down’
Look after you
The Fray
For anyone into gay rock, this be worth a download.
‘You've begun to feel like home’
to sober fun, to long car rides and our music, to trashing every place in Karachi and nearly being thrown out for making too much noise, for the laugher and the silent moments, for knowing smiles and hidden grins, to inside jokes, to made up words and unspoken yet realized sentences-
-for knowing for believing and for all that comes in between.
I love you guys.
‘There now, steady love,
so few come and don't go
Will you won't you,
be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control,
the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down’
Look after you
The Fray
For anyone into gay rock, this be worth a download.
‘You've begun to feel like home’
Thursday, May 04, 2006
and if it makes you happy
then it cant be that bad.
My very senile and sexually frustrated literature teacher once told me that the human body starts aging at the age of twenty something, and that I will be my prettiest when I’m eighteen. Enjoy it she said, because it’s going to go away and then you’ll be sitting around when you’re forty and will have no good memories to fall back on. That day, I made a decision to make the most of it, to not dwindle away, to experience whatever I could whenever I could, coz hey, this time isn’t coming back.
Yeah, so I didn’t really stick to that decision.
But today, sitting at the kitchen table in the middle of the night, with a bottle of water and a best friend, I was reminded of just how wonderful life actually is. We sat for hours, you went away and came back, I was honored that you chose to spend your birthday with me of all people. We did nothing but speak, back and forth, with heavy words and light humor. It was truly, one of the best wastes of time ever, my books lay discarded on the dining table, my attention was yours, and for once I was fully in the moment. We spoke of friends, of the past and of the tentative future. Where we would be, if we would stay in touch, if we would make it or just disappear like so many before us had disappeared. We laughed till I couldn’t breathe and we got emotional at times too. It was the oddest of meetings, no fuss no frills, just open conversation and an open mind to go with it.
You left when the sun rose; your parents finally realized you had been gone the entire night. I locked up and came upstairs.
‘You know you asked me before if there was ever a moment in my life in which I was truly happy? Like mind numbing happiness?’
‘Yeah and Mr Birthday Boy you couldn’t up with anything.’
‘Heh, yeah. You know something?’
‘Hmm?’
‘This was it. This was one of those.’
:D
Love you too man.
My very senile and sexually frustrated literature teacher once told me that the human body starts aging at the age of twenty something, and that I will be my prettiest when I’m eighteen. Enjoy it she said, because it’s going to go away and then you’ll be sitting around when you’re forty and will have no good memories to fall back on. That day, I made a decision to make the most of it, to not dwindle away, to experience whatever I could whenever I could, coz hey, this time isn’t coming back.
Yeah, so I didn’t really stick to that decision.
But today, sitting at the kitchen table in the middle of the night, with a bottle of water and a best friend, I was reminded of just how wonderful life actually is. We sat for hours, you went away and came back, I was honored that you chose to spend your birthday with me of all people. We did nothing but speak, back and forth, with heavy words and light humor. It was truly, one of the best wastes of time ever, my books lay discarded on the dining table, my attention was yours, and for once I was fully in the moment. We spoke of friends, of the past and of the tentative future. Where we would be, if we would stay in touch, if we would make it or just disappear like so many before us had disappeared. We laughed till I couldn’t breathe and we got emotional at times too. It was the oddest of meetings, no fuss no frills, just open conversation and an open mind to go with it.
You left when the sun rose; your parents finally realized you had been gone the entire night. I locked up and came upstairs.
‘You know you asked me before if there was ever a moment in my life in which I was truly happy? Like mind numbing happiness?’
‘Yeah and Mr Birthday Boy you couldn’t up with anything.’
‘Heh, yeah. You know something?’
‘Hmm?’
‘This was it. This was one of those.’
:D
Love you too man.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
bloodyfuck.
In search of happier days.
And happier people.
And a happier me.
When the hell did I take six steps back and end up right where I started?
Need to change things. This has gone too far.
Goodbye.
You are toxic, you make me feel like a bad person, you make me weak.
Goodbye.
And happier people.
And a happier me.
When the hell did I take six steps back and end up right where I started?
Need to change things. This has gone too far.
Goodbye.
You are toxic, you make me feel like a bad person, you make me weak.
Goodbye.
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