Im so sick. of. this. bullshit.
I hate everything. I hate you and this bloody blog. I hate that stupid noise msn makes when you get a message. I hate the fact that my mobile keeps on ringing, but i never bother to pick it up. I hate my parents, for arguing and arguing, and then acting as if I am some sort of distributor of advice. Mother, i dont want to hear bad things about my father, and father, i hate the fact that you never ever listen. I hate the fact that im really thirsty but im too lazy to get up and get some water. I hate the song im listening to, shes out of tune, the guitarist is an amatuer. I hate the fact that i went to london dungeons when i was 12, and watched that show. I didnt sleep for two months after that, and would wake up in the middle of the night crying. I hate the show thats coming on tv. I hate the girl who's prettier than me and the one who's smarter than me too. I hate everyone, every single person. I hate you for not bieng there when i needed you the most. When i was lying on the floor, you stood amongst the crowd of people and watched on. I hate the mosquito who keeps on biting me and i hate myself for giving in and scratching the spot where the mosquito last conquered. I hate the fact that the socks that im wearing are slightly wet from the bottom and that im feeling really really cold right now. I hate the fact that i never told the one person who i loved how i felt, because i was so wrecked by the idea of rejection. I hate the fact that in the afternoon you told me you were coming with me, but then i saw you sit in someone elses car. I hate them for never telling me how they felt, and then them blaming me for never figuring it out. I hate typing this all out, when no one is going to read it, and no one cares enough.
I hate myself.
Sometimes.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Ok
Write something meaningful.
A symphony of words and thoughts
Very vague, yet very deep
Go on,
Write
Oh fuckedy fuckedy fuck
"Im so happy, coz today I found my friends, their in my head."
Lithium
Nirvana
What in the name of holy jesus does that mean? Oh wait, I know.
Look around, see the people who surround you. See the list on your msn contacts, the last 10 people who scrapped you on orkut, the 20 last messages you recieved on you phone.
Who are these people? Do they mean anything? Do you even love them?
If they went away, would you care? Would it leave you missing them because a significant part of your life has gone away?
No.
Is it horrible if you dont trust you friends? If you live in the constant fear that they arnt real people, you dont even know them, they dont know you. Who's fault is that then? Always thinking twice before saying something that you truly believe in, and then regretting it because you never know what they think of what you just said. Trying to see if what you said even made an impact, was she hurt? Regretting it eventually, you wonder, why do i even bother? Whats the point. We will all continue living in this sham of an existence. Ignorance is bliss, and hell, this lack of confrontation, this lack of conflict, it has its plus points for sure. We will consider going on like this till as long as we can hold up the fake smiles and the laughter than tends to drown out the tears. Drifting along, having these phases when you just get sick of each other and you retire to your "happy place". But they are temporary. You just bounce back, again and again and again.
Ill come over, we'll go out, we'll party, lets just keep in as it is. Theres a painfull comfort about it all, youve been doing it for the past two decades, coping mechanisms were formed long ago, and they are still going strong.
Keep on smiling
Keep on laughing
I wont say anything.
Write something meaningful.
A symphony of words and thoughts
Very vague, yet very deep
Go on,
Write
Oh fuckedy fuckedy fuck
"Im so happy, coz today I found my friends, their in my head."
Lithium
Nirvana
What in the name of holy jesus does that mean? Oh wait, I know.
Look around, see the people who surround you. See the list on your msn contacts, the last 10 people who scrapped you on orkut, the 20 last messages you recieved on you phone.
Who are these people? Do they mean anything? Do you even love them?
If they went away, would you care? Would it leave you missing them because a significant part of your life has gone away?
No.
Is it horrible if you dont trust you friends? If you live in the constant fear that they arnt real people, you dont even know them, they dont know you. Who's fault is that then? Always thinking twice before saying something that you truly believe in, and then regretting it because you never know what they think of what you just said. Trying to see if what you said even made an impact, was she hurt? Regretting it eventually, you wonder, why do i even bother? Whats the point. We will all continue living in this sham of an existence. Ignorance is bliss, and hell, this lack of confrontation, this lack of conflict, it has its plus points for sure. We will consider going on like this till as long as we can hold up the fake smiles and the laughter than tends to drown out the tears. Drifting along, having these phases when you just get sick of each other and you retire to your "happy place". But they are temporary. You just bounce back, again and again and again.
Ill come over, we'll go out, we'll party, lets just keep in as it is. Theres a painfull comfort about it all, youve been doing it for the past two decades, coping mechanisms were formed long ago, and they are still going strong.
Keep on smiling
Keep on laughing
I wont say anything.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
I love you, you stupid jack ass.
And i have for the past 5 bloody years.
And since then we have been enemies and the best of friends. Inseperable and out of touch.
Everything and anything and then all of a sudden nothing.
You mean the world to me. I mean it. There is laugher and joy and pain and happiness because of you and without you nothing seems to work or function. When it comes to you all patterns of rational thought leave me, you trancend the barriers of common sense and decency. There is light in your eyes and aged philosophy in your words. You make me smile and laugh and forget myself. There are moments in which i hate myself for not saying anything back then, before you moved on, before you felt the same way. Im an idiot, such a bloody idiot
And i have for the past 5 bloody years.
And since then we have been enemies and the best of friends. Inseperable and out of touch.
Everything and anything and then all of a sudden nothing.
You mean the world to me. I mean it. There is laugher and joy and pain and happiness because of you and without you nothing seems to work or function. When it comes to you all patterns of rational thought leave me, you trancend the barriers of common sense and decency. There is light in your eyes and aged philosophy in your words. You make me smile and laugh and forget myself. There are moments in which i hate myself for not saying anything back then, before you moved on, before you felt the same way. Im an idiot, such a bloody idiot
Sometimes I wish people could read my mind so that i could stop playing this game. This charade, this flimsy image, as flimsy as those houses that you make out of playing cards.
This isnt me. This is so. not. who i am.
Im not the girl who always wants the best for other people and always thinks of others before herself. Neither am I the one who thrives in the company of others, always wanting to go out, always smiling. I dont want to laugh at every joke, i just do, because i know it means something to you. Im selfish, and susceptible to jealousy and pain. Im not emotionless like you said I was. I love too, i just never tell anyone and that why when you told me you had once loved me i couldnt look you straight in the eye, because i had just realized what a horrible mistake i had made. I had once written in my hgih school diary that " I might wear the costume of a kinght, but im shivering within it." And things havnt changed much since then. Im still the same girl who is so hidden, so sheltered from ever experiencing anything REAL just because im scared of failing, or being rejected.
To the world im someone else, someone happy and always there. The dependable one that doesnt have any issues of here own.
Ha.
You must be kidding me.
This isnt me. This is so. not. who i am.
Im not the girl who always wants the best for other people and always thinks of others before herself. Neither am I the one who thrives in the company of others, always wanting to go out, always smiling. I dont want to laugh at every joke, i just do, because i know it means something to you. Im selfish, and susceptible to jealousy and pain. Im not emotionless like you said I was. I love too, i just never tell anyone and that why when you told me you had once loved me i couldnt look you straight in the eye, because i had just realized what a horrible mistake i had made. I had once written in my hgih school diary that " I might wear the costume of a kinght, but im shivering within it." And things havnt changed much since then. Im still the same girl who is so hidden, so sheltered from ever experiencing anything REAL just because im scared of failing, or being rejected.
To the world im someone else, someone happy and always there. The dependable one that doesnt have any issues of here own.
Ha.
You must be kidding me.
Sad
Its 12-44 in the bloody morning
Got home at 11 from chachas birthday..he cant believe hes turning 39.."one more year in which i can chalao the 'im in my thirties' line"
heh
i like him.. and his wife is sweet to.. and the kid..damn the kid
i hate kids..really like i detest them. Iritating and nauseating and just yuck.
BUT this one
bloody brilliant.
Seems hes popped like a whole bottle of E and is on a constant high all the time.
Like Duncan Sheik sings "Im on a high on a high.."
Ha..am listening to that song right now
Haan so yes i sat and let him humour me. While i acted like the day of judgement was not only two days away and that the last thing i should be doing is sitting with some kid with a possible substance abuse problem.
So got home at all. And realised i had no nicotine in my system and no cancer sticks in the house. Was to late to go out. And now im facing major withdrawal symptoms..need to smoke need to smoke need to smoke.
I disgust myself.
And so i have used this as a nice little excuse for not being able to accomplish anything today. Its not my fault..my body is starved u see.. well anyway im having one of THOSE days again. You hate everyone and everything and just want to curl up and die and kill someone before you retire for the night. I cant open another book, make more notes, cram something in. Whatever happens on tuesday will happen. Its too late and way too out of my control.
I know that when i wake up tomorrow im so going to regret wasting a whole day and doing nothing. Everything seems different when your high on coke (trying to substitute caffeine for nicotine) and its really really late.
It not actually. I have this new habit of sleeping at around 5. I stop studying at about 4 and then watch two episodes of sex and the city (got the last season on dvd) and then wake up at around 2 in the afternoon. I work in weird ways
Sitting here and complaining to noone at 12-53 now. How sad am i ? Very sad i would figure
Very Very sad.
Got home at 11 from chachas birthday..he cant believe hes turning 39.."one more year in which i can chalao the 'im in my thirties' line"
heh
i like him.. and his wife is sweet to.. and the kid..damn the kid
i hate kids..really like i detest them. Iritating and nauseating and just yuck.
BUT this one
bloody brilliant.
Seems hes popped like a whole bottle of E and is on a constant high all the time.
Like Duncan Sheik sings "Im on a high on a high.."
Ha..am listening to that song right now
Haan so yes i sat and let him humour me. While i acted like the day of judgement was not only two days away and that the last thing i should be doing is sitting with some kid with a possible substance abuse problem.
So got home at all. And realised i had no nicotine in my system and no cancer sticks in the house. Was to late to go out. And now im facing major withdrawal symptoms..need to smoke need to smoke need to smoke.
I disgust myself.
And so i have used this as a nice little excuse for not being able to accomplish anything today. Its not my fault..my body is starved u see.. well anyway im having one of THOSE days again. You hate everyone and everything and just want to curl up and die and kill someone before you retire for the night. I cant open another book, make more notes, cram something in. Whatever happens on tuesday will happen. Its too late and way too out of my control.
I know that when i wake up tomorrow im so going to regret wasting a whole day and doing nothing. Everything seems different when your high on coke (trying to substitute caffeine for nicotine) and its really really late.
It not actually. I have this new habit of sleeping at around 5. I stop studying at about 4 and then watch two episodes of sex and the city (got the last season on dvd) and then wake up at around 2 in the afternoon. I work in weird ways
Sitting here and complaining to noone at 12-53 now. How sad am i ? Very sad i would figure
Very Very sad.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Kyoon (another language..the cultural touch..heh)
I keep on knocking on heavens door
Why the hell arnt they letting me in??
What have i done to deserve this?? Have i wronged anyone, hurt anyone, ruined something for someone? WHY do i feel like im in this continous rat race and i dont even like the cheese at the end. And that no matter how hard i try, i just cant achieve anything meaningfull or worthwhile.
On paper life is good, very good infact. Everything is going smoothly. Nobodys dying or im not going bankrupt or hideously ugly.
So then, why?
why?
DO I FEEL LIKE SUCH UTTER SHIT?
Why the hell arnt they letting me in??
What have i done to deserve this?? Have i wronged anyone, hurt anyone, ruined something for someone? WHY do i feel like im in this continous rat race and i dont even like the cheese at the end. And that no matter how hard i try, i just cant achieve anything meaningfull or worthwhile.
On paper life is good, very good infact. Everything is going smoothly. Nobodys dying or im not going bankrupt or hideously ugly.
So then, why?
why?
DO I FEEL LIKE SUCH UTTER SHIT?
7 minutes
its really dark..
and really latet
he darkness helps hide the dark deeds that im uptoand the lateness? had too many things on my mind to actually sleep
sleep is for the stupid. Or for those irritating people with perfect lives who have nothing to worry about..
but whats the fun in a life like that??i think im on the verge of a major breakthrough... im getting those "calm before the storm" feelings.. something has to go wrong.. trust me, ill think of somethingthere is no one.. no one..surrounded by people.. and so bloody lonely..is that normal?Ill block you outAnd then blame you for going awayIll turn my backAnd say you never cared enough to stayI wrote that like 2 months ago.. but it seems to integrate pretty well with what im feeling.Im horrible, plain disgusting. I bring pain upon myself.. and then dwelve in self pity..Yuck.
and really latet
he darkness helps hide the dark deeds that im uptoand the lateness? had too many things on my mind to actually sleep
sleep is for the stupid. Or for those irritating people with perfect lives who have nothing to worry about..
but whats the fun in a life like that??i think im on the verge of a major breakthrough... im getting those "calm before the storm" feelings.. something has to go wrong.. trust me, ill think of somethingthere is no one.. no one..surrounded by people.. and so bloody lonely..is that normal?Ill block you outAnd then blame you for going awayIll turn my backAnd say you never cared enough to stayI wrote that like 2 months ago.. but it seems to integrate pretty well with what im feeling.Im horrible, plain disgusting. I bring pain upon myself.. and then dwelve in self pity..Yuck.
Droplets
I hate crying, such a bloody waste of time.. ruins your eyeliner..and its such an OBVIOUS way of showing that your hurt..almost a cliche..
It a sign of weakness and realizing that you were wrong, or that you were vulnerable enough for someone else to wrong you.
I really hate crying
Then why the fuck have i been doing it for the past 8 minutes?
It a sign of weakness and realizing that you were wrong, or that you were vulnerable enough for someone else to wrong you.
I really hate crying
Then why the fuck have i been doing it for the past 8 minutes?
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Oh well
Im horrible, seriously.
Here i go bitching them all off then i actually GO for dinner and have a good time and then feel guilty.
Heh
Im so messed up right now
Anyway it was fun fun fun. Weird laughing fits that got way to pervy but still fun. People are a lot more fun when they are drunk. Its just easier..
I honestly do like them.. my ride is a sweetheart and my best friend.. i guess its just back to how it was? lets see what happens in the near future.
Lesson learnt- Shisha, bad food, good company, many jokes with a blown up sword makes for a good evening.
Here i go bitching them all off then i actually GO for dinner and have a good time and then feel guilty.
Heh
Im so messed up right now
Anyway it was fun fun fun. Weird laughing fits that got way to pervy but still fun. People are a lot more fun when they are drunk. Its just easier..
I honestly do like them.. my ride is a sweetheart and my best friend.. i guess its just back to how it was? lets see what happens in the near future.
Lesson learnt- Shisha, bad food, good company, many jokes with a blown up sword makes for a good evening.
Ho hum pigs bum.
Sitting around..waiting for my ride to pick me up for dinner..
Really dont want to go..but i still am
Oh well
Who all will be there.. ah yes the girl who has been my best friend since life was simpler..but then again recent events have changed all that.. i dont know who she is anymore.. then theres my ride..lets be nice to her as shes picking me up.. theres the guy who i didnt speak to for a whole year and vowed to continue not speaking to for the rest of my life.. guess that didnt work out according to plan and hes too entertaining to be shut out for too long. Theres the guy whos in love with my ride and thats pretty much all that there is to him. And the guy whos in love with my best friend who i dont like to much coz i think hes a bit of a sleaze.
No one interesting
Why cant i go out for dinner with a cross dressing albino and the jewish tutor who sexually molested hitler when he was a kid?
Well because they would probably hook up and start making out and completely ruin the evening.
Bad, bad image.
Really dont want to go..but i still am
Oh well
Who all will be there.. ah yes the girl who has been my best friend since life was simpler..but then again recent events have changed all that.. i dont know who she is anymore.. then theres my ride..lets be nice to her as shes picking me up.. theres the guy who i didnt speak to for a whole year and vowed to continue not speaking to for the rest of my life.. guess that didnt work out according to plan and hes too entertaining to be shut out for too long. Theres the guy whos in love with my ride and thats pretty much all that there is to him. And the guy whos in love with my best friend who i dont like to much coz i think hes a bit of a sleaze.
No one interesting
Why cant i go out for dinner with a cross dressing albino and the jewish tutor who sexually molested hitler when he was a kid?
Well because they would probably hook up and start making out and completely ruin the evening.
Bad, bad image.
Im fine, just a little lost
Ever had that feeling that you have no one. Not a single person, who gets you. Who just knows, what your thinking when your thinking it and wont judge you for thinking something so horrible. Ever felt like your never yourself, because your so scared that people will judge you but will never have the decency to tell you what they feel. That your best friends laugh at you when you arnt paying attention and that not too many people really actually LIKE you but its just easier to not confront you.
Ever pitied yourself to a state of disgust and projectile vomiting?
Ever hated yourself for pitying yourself?
Ever wanted to just go away. Doesnt matter where. Just not here
Join the club.
Ever pitied yourself to a state of disgust and projectile vomiting?
Ever hated yourself for pitying yourself?
Ever wanted to just go away. Doesnt matter where. Just not here
Join the club.
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