come down now,

but we'll stay.

Safe places are for fools.

Ive been found it, it isnt safe to write here anymore.

Damnation.

Thats all folks.

dontleavehome

Dear Ma and Pa,

Hey, sorry I havnt written in ages, I always promise you guys an email every couple of days but it seems like I never actually end up writing. I was going through the old emails to you guys to see where I left off and seems the last thing I wrote about is international orientation when I was begging you guys to book me a ticket back home. Those were they initial days I guess, full of not knowing which way was up or down, no way of figuring out wether to turn left or right, lost, confusion, one bad time basically.

Things have changed, turns out ive been here for almost two months now but it seems like ive lived through a lifetime. Im a new person, or atleast someone who doesnt really know what happened before I got here. Oddly enough, I dont have a home now, when I think about Karachi or my room or other things that were integral to my old life they just seem..out of place. I remember my past, but it seems like it was just a movie that I saw or a book I read, not really a life that I lived for eighteen years. When I speak to you on the phone or when a friend from home calls it feels (and I hate this word) surreal. I cant place you guys, you no longer make sense in this context or in this time. I dont have parents, im no ones daughter or sister, nor someones childhood friend or ex-girlfriend. Im this, im this girl sitting on the third floor of the library acting like shes doing work for her midterm tomorrow but is instead wasting away on blogger.

Im coughing a lot, and it seems to be bugging people. Im sitting in a 'reading room' and I guess it isnt really a place for the sick. If I were smart about this flu I would bunk a day of classes and drink soup and get over it. But I dont have the time to fall sick, I really dont have the time to do anything that I need to. Even meals seem like a luxury that I dont have the time to indulge in. Every break, every five minute run to the bathroom, every short nap on top of my books seems like the biggest tragedy in my life. Dont worry though, atleast my grades are good. I just kicked ass in my Greek Mythology Presentation. Heh, dad I can just imagine you saying 'my daughter gets my speaking skills from me' and sure, your right. We can bullshit like no other, helps us get away with a lot.

Everytime I speak to you guys you ask me if ive made friends, every single time. I guess the first couple of emails gave you the idea that I im the biggest loner here. Dont worry, I have friends, more than I could ask for. Its Karachi all over again. Mom called it my 'charisma' but I dont know. Everyones really nice here and I guess you just have to be nice back.

Today I was told I had really pretty eyes, made my day.

Decemeber is going to weird.

Oh and I must confess, I kinda miss the dog more than my family.

Heh, enough for now, I have class in ... three minutes.

Oh and its frightfully cold here, was minus 7 two days ago.. and I hear it just gets worse.. and I only have six dollars in my checking account so it would be nice if you sent me some moolah.

Much love,
Your daughter.

soles of shoes.

Funny thing, I dont get homesick when im all alone in my dorm room after a long day or when I wake up and realize that I really havnt gotten enough sleep to last through my 9 am class. I dont feel homesick when I see parents walking around with their kids or groups of people that seem to have known each other for ages.

I feel homesick when im at my happiest.

Because ive known a happines far superior, far clearer, far simpler, far more worthier.

Today, on the drive back home, the car became quiet as well all shut up to listen to her favourite song. I was at the back on the right side, next to the window- my favourite seat in cars always. The window was open, I shivered as cold air gushed in and I (as always) managed to ash my smoke inside the car instead of outside. The street lights were on, we were going fast, all well fed and content. Comfortable silences, bodies huddled together, on our way back home.

Ive done this before, in another country, in another time with other people.


I love you all, I love college, I love my new life.



But im sorry, but you guys have nothing on the people ive left behind.

-

Your hand pulled away and im, de-vas-tated.

I know ive heard that song somewhere, and its just stuck in my head, that one particular line over and over again. I might just google the lyrics eventhough I have fifty papers to write (and two whole novels to read and critique) but hey, im sitting in the library on blogger so its pretty evident already that my priorities are a bit random.

I dont want to get up from this seat, this seat in the middle of the library, dead in the centre of all these people going clickety click on their computers. Some feverishly typing out papers three minutes before its due, some people wasting away on facebook and some people like me- who have things to do but just wants to take a moment to pause.

I guess thats what words are for me, my pauses. College life is so incredibly fast paced, when your not in class your somewhere doing work, when your not doing work your out for lunch or for dinner or for no reason at all. The constant need to be social is scary, the constant need to look semi presentable, to have a smile on your face, to make small talk or partake in intense conversation when you really have no intensity left. That, that need to always have your game face on is what is exhausting, the work load is rough but can be managed and ive settled in quite brilliantly. Friends are.. easy to make. Turns out my fear of 'im going to be a loner in college' was just a wee bit over dramatic after all.

But I miss this, this ability to just sit by myself with my words and my thoughts and to type them out, with my own clickety click, with my little white space that is plain and boring but its mine. I have no spaces here, no quiet areas where I can go to and just be the girl who has her hair tied in a bun and is wearing a big baggy shalwar and a tshirt. And its not that big a deal, not worth complaining about, its just missed thats all, and I guess thats worth a few words.

I told my friends I was going to the bathroom, they must be wondering where the fuck I have vanished of too.

I wish I had cried when I left my house for the airport, I wish I had cried when I said goodbye to my friends, I wish I had cried when I hailed my parents a cab and my mothers tiny little body shuddered against mine. She cried, why couldnt I? Crying has a sense of finality in it, a finality that I havnt achieved and I desperately need to.

Im in limbo here, nervy and floaty.

Have you ever gone to the edge of a mountain or any reallyreally high place and stood three inches before the great fall down?

Thats my head right now, still but crashing silently.

'You exude brilliance'.. you tell me that everyday when you see me.

Hah baby doll, if only you knew the thoughts that float in my head.