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Your hand pulled away and im, de-vas-tated.

I know ive heard that song somewhere, and its just stuck in my head, that one particular line over and over again. I might just google the lyrics eventhough I have fifty papers to write (and two whole novels to read and critique) but hey, im sitting in the library on blogger so its pretty evident already that my priorities are a bit random.

I dont want to get up from this seat, this seat in the middle of the library, dead in the centre of all these people going clickety click on their computers. Some feverishly typing out papers three minutes before its due, some people wasting away on facebook and some people like me- who have things to do but just wants to take a moment to pause.

I guess thats what words are for me, my pauses. College life is so incredibly fast paced, when your not in class your somewhere doing work, when your not doing work your out for lunch or for dinner or for no reason at all. The constant need to be social is scary, the constant need to look semi presentable, to have a smile on your face, to make small talk or partake in intense conversation when you really have no intensity left. That, that need to always have your game face on is what is exhausting, the work load is rough but can be managed and ive settled in quite brilliantly. Friends are.. easy to make. Turns out my fear of 'im going to be a loner in college' was just a wee bit over dramatic after all.

But I miss this, this ability to just sit by myself with my words and my thoughts and to type them out, with my own clickety click, with my little white space that is plain and boring but its mine. I have no spaces here, no quiet areas where I can go to and just be the girl who has her hair tied in a bun and is wearing a big baggy shalwar and a tshirt. And its not that big a deal, not worth complaining about, its just missed thats all, and I guess thats worth a few words.

I told my friends I was going to the bathroom, they must be wondering where the fuck I have vanished of too.

I wish I had cried when I left my house for the airport, I wish I had cried when I said goodbye to my friends, I wish I had cried when I hailed my parents a cab and my mothers tiny little body shuddered against mine. She cried, why couldnt I? Crying has a sense of finality in it, a finality that I havnt achieved and I desperately need to.

Im in limbo here, nervy and floaty.

Have you ever gone to the edge of a mountain or any reallyreally high place and stood three inches before the great fall down?

Thats my head right now, still but crashing silently.

'You exude brilliance'.. you tell me that everyday when you see me.

Hah baby doll, if only you knew the thoughts that float in my head.