One

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

The music drones, people speak but you learn to stop paying attention. You’re sitting right next to the speakers, you can feel your mind unwinding. Slowly. Slowly.

Turquoise. Aqua. Beautiful words that slip of your tongue like pearls on a shiny marble floor. Click, take pictures. One. Two. I shut my eyes in that one, I ruined it for everyone.

Drink, be merry, go away, fly away from here. Reflect, recollect, remember. This was me once, that was happiness.

Now I see you, but you don’t see me.

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Beats, whole solid chestnut beats. Hits your heart doesn’t it? Right in the center. Every atom in your fingers tingle, every part of you unravels, every essence of you flows out into one perfect sandstorm.

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Train yourself to stop thinking, to shut it all away into little mahogany boxes of memories that lie on the top of your cupboard catching dust. Just pictures and postcards and small memories. Befitting of small people and of long gone yesterdays.

Colour blind. Black and white, dust and sky, scared and everyshy.

Too late Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Hold them in, they aren’t worth it. They don’t mean anything, they never did. In black corners you can mourn, but for the world, you have to smile. Sunshine yellow, pebbly grey. Remember? You have to be the pillar, you have to accept being let down, you have to be thrown around and left to fend for yourself.

You are nothing. Remember that. Not to them, not to anyone.

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters Brothers
One life
But we're not the same


We get to Carry each other
Carry each other One...life

Live for yourself, celebrate yourself, choose your life, choose your defeats. When you fall, fall for your misgivings. Enjoy failure, taste regret but do it for you, not for them. Not for her or him or them.

They are dispensable.

Remember? You're the one who said it.

and another one gone

Lesson learnt- Nobody. NOBODY is ever who you think they are.

Really.

N-O-B-O-D-Y.

At this rate, I won’t be surprised if someone as great as Gandhi was an undercover assassin or someone as terrible as Hitler wore ballerina outfits at night and danced around in all his gayness.

The world has shifted a little to the left today.

Never have faith in anymore, never truly love anyone, never give away parts of yourself to someone else.

Nobody is worth it, nobody is pure, nobody is sacred anymore.

most of the time

So, er. Hello.

I have four minutes before Friends starts and I can once again drop into my standard watch-tv-till-my-eyes-hurt mode. Nothing good comes between 12:30 and 1 in the morning. Im trying to find the perfect song for this moment, but it seems that once again my I playlist is letting me down.

I need to stop listening to Gabriel and Dresden. I dream in beats and buildups.

My phones run out of battery. Even when its on I keep it on silent. Im one of those irritating people who never pick up their phone. And when I do, my phone just goes off. Im not a phone person ive realized, I don’t like talking about nothing for long long times.

Speaking about nothing, ive rediscovered my love for Seinfeld. It comes all the time these days. I love the fat bald guy- ive always wondered how he manages to get so many people to go out with him. Hes not just weird looking, hes just weird all round. Based on this one guy ive always thought that girls in NY have really low standards. I don’t want to go to NY for college now.

Listen to Tossing the Feathers by the Corrs. I miss those days when I would listen to them on repeat. My true loves as far as music was concerned used to be Bryan Adams, the Corrs and Alanis. I knew every song and every album by heart. I still listen to them from time to time when im bored. The Bryan Adams concert was in some ways a tribute to those days. Everyone around me was jumping like mad lunatics while I just had my hand over my mouth in sheer awe.

‘Its him, its really him!’

Song of the day- Serve the Ego by Jewel featuring Gabriel and Dresden ( I need new music and I need it now.)


I feel sometimes, like I need to be the seventeen year old that I will no longer be in two months. Sometimes, I want to say things like, ‘OOooh that guy is so HOT’ or ‘Does my ass look big in these jeans?’ Stupid things, childish things. I want to giggle not laugh. I want to paint my nails hideous colours, wear nothing but pink, tYpe likEe this LolXx* (ok I never want to do that but people my age do it) and just generally be a fool.

Why? Because I have my whole life to be bitter and sarcastic.

‘Do you like what you see
I will dance for you
And you will dance for me’

:D

I know im going to look back at this day twenty years from now when im old and ugly (and hopefully have something that resembles a life) and will go ‘if only I had gotten up my lazy ass and done something about it instead of blogging and doing nothing.’

So will I get up tomorrow and look my prettiest and make a serious attempt to act my age?


Ofcourse not.

e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d

2-30 on a school night and the day isn’t over yet.

I need

a) someone who will take care of the damn dog. Clean it, watch over it and keep it away from my bloody shoes.

b) someone who will clean my room, and burn candles for me so that my room doesn’t perpetually smell of ‘dog’.

c) someone who will understand the marvelous world of economics for me, sit through literature classes without napping and actually take notes in history instead of doodling and listening to her Ipod.

d) someone who is brave and hardworking. Who doesn’t slack off, get scared nor overwhelmed. Who has no hang-ups, no drawbacks and no random bouts of laziness/migraines.

e) someone who requires no nicotine or caffeine to wake her up/not want to kill everyone around her.

f) a toe that does not hurt everytime I dare to step.

g) a mind that does not over analyze and a body that doesn’t need to overindulge.


Any takers?

sigh

‘To me, you are perfect.’

Love actually might be gay, but it really is such a brilliant movie.

Above, is the best line in the English language.

every you and every me

Its difficult to put meaning into words and commas and sentences. Especially when thought and reason get misplaced by clichés and efforts and comparisons that mean nothing in long terms and ever afters.

The very next time that you utter and smile and act like you really mean something im going to shut my eyes and count to ten. The patience that it takes to tolerate you on a daily basis is climbing up into the infinites and soon im going to loose the last threads of sanity that I have left in just keeping up with your incoherence.

Some day, when there is justice and world peace and all the other hollow dreams have been fulfilled, you will be gone and I won’t have to try and decipher you in a vain attempt to uphold something that deserves salvage only because its lasted for so very long. You are the reason why I wake up every morning with a severe headache and an even more dilapidated mind. You are the reason why I have to think and rethink and then exercise every iota of self control I have to hold myself from not entirely breaking down.

I hate you.

delusional

Flashlights and explosions

Head bopping. Left right up down. Side to side.

Come on now everybody!

I can feel the advent of the flu, my head feels oddly numb, and my eyes have now officially become non-existent. I am quite ugly- even my normally sexy (ha) voice has turned into a low growl. My new best friend is Rose Petal and my search to find the Vicks ka dabba has officially begun.

This is what you get for being flung into the ocean eleven times.

I told you I was wet enough already :-(

Other than that, the stench of procrastination is creeping into my blocked nose. I have many a thing to do, but no here I sit listening to this damn song on repeat and doing my head bopping exercise.

Flashlights and explosions.

I can do weird spinny things with my head.

I think ive fractured my pinky. It’s a lame story, I just stepped all wrong. How boring, I should so have a cooler story. But no, I just stepped on it funny.

Ive had hiccups for two hours now. Jesus.

(Go go dance, go go go go dance)

Right now, im eating smarties, sipping cold tea, moving my head and toes (the non injured one) in perfect synchronized moves and grinning for no rhyme or reason- I love how weird I am.

Californiaaaaa dreaminnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Why am I in such a good mood? This is so un-discolike its scary.

Benny Benassi I love you.

DANCE. GO GO GO DANCE.

I want a party NOW.

Ok I must go throw up now goodbye.

for simpler spaces

Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us

Evening time, a comfortable silence lingers lightly in the air. Looking around, I grin at my mess, my stacks of books, my piles of clothes- my mountains of history. Ive never really taken a moment to just feel, to merely sit and absorb and notice and discover and rediscover and maybe even discard.

Last night was the millionth breakdown. Why do I keep on revisiting those memories?

The above written lines were jotted down at around 5 in the evening, while I sat muted in my room, not a soul nor a sound in sight. As I ended that last sentence, there was a continuous knock on my door. Such a jarring beat in my symphony in silence. I stopped typing, stood completely still and willed the interruption to get the message and go away.

But they didn’t, you didn’t, and in you walked, the both of you, and I put on my smile again and welcomed you with open arms.

I need space. Go away.

‘So what’s the scene? Where we going?’

Things change, people change, but plasticine friendships will always remain.

Hearts. Flowers. Awkwardness. Coffee. Confessions. The infamous ‘trippy tree’. Our car. My Music.



My sanity?

kash

Will it all be ok?

Will be she ok?

Valentines day. Cheap roses and kinky hearts.

Who gives a flying fuck.

Bigger problems, smaller spurts of joy.

Kabhi tho milon gay     
Kabhi tho kahon gay
Hum jo yun naa jaatein
Kaash thair jaatey

Im out of breath

Im so exhausted.

COME BACK

PLEASE COME BACK

PLEASE

PLEASE








please.

sos.

Let me take some of the punches for you tonight

So I sit at 11-13 on a school night, and stare mindlessly at the glistening monitor. The radios on, their playing U2, and for a couple of minutes, I start to muse.

A smart person recently told me how im masked behind this mature cool demeanor, and soon im going to be so used to acting this way that it will eventually become who I am. Realizing the truth in his words, I agreed, but now in retrospect those same words bother me for some reason.

I don’t ask for help, at least I try not to. You won’t see me cry, you’ll never hear me whine. I won’t call you at four in the morning with boy trouble or parent troubles or any sort of issue or dilemma. Perhaps its because ive been that person at the other end of that line, the one who gets awoken from her first night of real deep sleep after days. Ive listened, ive consoled, ive handed you tissues when the salt tears burnt little holes in your red cheeks.

And ive hated it, ive hated every moment of it.

And so, I give of this air of acute independence mixed with indifference. Im a low maintenance friend, im an assuming daughter, and a generally seemingly emotionless individual.

But any person with a little bit of insight will realize that its near impossible to exist like that, moreover it’s incredibly exhausting. When I do need help, when im unable to stand by myself, I never get someone willing to hold me up, someone offering a helping hand.


Because the last time you did I slapped your hand away and told you that I was completely capable of walking by myself.


Ask me again?


Class photo tomorrow- and i look like a bloody lobster.

Lesson learnt : I don’t tan- I merely fry.

dayem

This is the best blog post ever.

its ok if you feel like shit after, not everyone can be this good.

:)

(I love trance, the lyrics are so completely basic. It doesn’t ask you to think or feel or anything. Experience the beat and just shut the hell up basically.)

‘….and there’s no coming down’

          Till there was you
          Rachel Starr feat- Gabriel and Dresden

Today was so completely mindless.

Useless we are. USELESS.

There were three, one with a car, one with the music, the other with the nicotine. This car pool was a new addition to their daily routine, and it was the only thing that made them actually attend school. Every morning, there was the same running to the car like mad animals and then singing along on the way to Clifton.

Standard. Completely standard.

‘Gotta sing about moving on’

          Swing to Harmony
          Nikola Gala feat Perasma

They were actually on time today. The little digital clock in the car told them it was 7-20. She was wearing her shoes and trying to hide the heel, he was trying to tie his tie and the third was staring into space. As they took the last final turn, Boat Basin melted away into the infamous ‘Ganda Nala’ after which came the mustard yellow building that they had called home for the past four years.

Kgs. Gotta love it.

Right before turning in, she made the mistake of saying her infamous last words-

‘Yaar. School yaar. Really not in the mood today.’

‘Even if you wanted me to
I cannot come down
Im walking on clouds
I cannot come down’

          Walking on Clouds
          Tiesto

As soon as those words were uttered, the car was reversed, they sped away and ended up picking up two more people before heading out to Café Clifton instead. After many many rounds of Chai and Paratha’s they dared going back to his place, only to find his dads car parked in the driveway.

Damn, he hadn’t left yet.

So they took aimless rounds of Seaview, they even stopped to take a walk in the sand, which eventually became an all out race. They gave each other thumkas in the water and ended up falling flat on their asses. They looked disgusting, sand covered shalwars, oily wet hair, running mascara- the works.

And so, after buying even more food, they end up safely at her place instead. They pulled out mattresses and pillows and blankets and all layed down on the floor. He put on his infamous house sets and they all passed out.

We woke up at 1-30, ate chicken corn soup (?) and went home.

Fabulous.

-

‘If your cold, ill keep you warm
If your lost, just hold on
Coz I will be your safety
Oh don’t leave home’
     
          Don’t leave home
          Gabriel and Dresden feat- Dido

picking up..

Yet Dona Maria, like a worn out song
That keeps a phrase of wisdom in our ears,
Like the sad gaiety of a drunk guitar,
Like the bright gardens which blind vendors sell,
I watch your ancient, simple spirit were
Its letters flake across the balcony
From the façade of a third rate hotel

Castiliane
Derek Walcott


That’s the beauty with words; they can be all yours while still being someone else’s.

Ive missed blogging, I really have.

So this is part of where Ive been

This is for the three people who still come here
-


December 6th –

FINALLY.

Time to celebrate, time to let loose, time to just forget everything that’s happened. Happiness, sheer painless smooth happiness. We get off the car, put on the lights and roll up our jeans.

Hello Beach. Long time no see.

Last time I came here was That Night, and since then I had made many a promise to myself about the way I was going to continue leading my life.

One look at the waves and they all melted away.

Portable stereo, great company and a digital camera.

What effortless smiles those were.

15th December-

Facing defeat is not something I do very often, primarily because when I put my mind to something I always get it, and when I don’t, I accept defeat and embrace it with a cynical smile. Ive never ever not gotten something that I really wanted.

Till today.

‘I would kill baby kittens to get this.’

Ha.

19th December-

Its funny, how two of the most important people in my life can share the same birthday. Its also funny how they never celebrate it together till today. If all goes well, this should be one of the best days of my life, what with all that’s planned.

Its foolproof.

20th December-

6pm- I danced with a Hijra at Khadda Market. Then I helped A try on a bra at Park Towers.

It was too small for him.

Teehee.

We won though, and I never thought we would given the team we had. The last clue led us to the beach, where her yum sandwiches and cheap victory cups await.

7pm- Drives back have never been like this. Normally, everyone is piled up with slow music playing in the background. Everyone is in there own world, people sobering up, others trying to dust sand off their jeans.

This time there were the three of us. There was silence, but a silence that reeked of fear rather than intoxication. Disbelief mingled with blatant denial. This couldn’t be happening, things don’t happen this way.

23rd December-

I might not look it, but I don’t breakdown easily. Tears are luxuries that I try not to indulge in, especially when there are many cautious eyes watching. But today, when I came home after one more exhausting day there, I just couldn’t help myself.

‘How’s she?’

‘Not good’

‘How’re you?’

‘Not that good either.’

My mothers smells just like she did back in third grade, when I would come to her after falling down my bike to bawl for hours..

Some things never change.

25th December-

Even though ive traveled all over the world, I still get excited over sitting in a plane. This trip promises some major downtime, something ive not had for a while.

If only this horrible guilt would leave me alone.

31st December-

This was by far the oddest New Years ever. Normally, the olds are out of town and I have a brilliant curfew. Midnight is spent with blaring music and shrieks. Surrounded by people I know and love I dance the night away, bare feet mix with brown sand, empty thoughts mix with tangled emotion.
This year, it was the three of us in a foreign land. I was back in my room at one, and was fast asleep in fifteen minutes.

But hey, the group hug while the fireworks lit the sky in orangey pink glows was worth it.

Those were tears of joy.

I love the both of you.