'that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds'
And then the tears start falling, and you feel the whole world is against you, when you pushed everyone away to start with. You can’t think, you can’t feel, everything is numb. Your body gave up on you two days ago, and just now, just five minutes ago, your brain followed suit. You always managed in the end, you were the winner, you always won. And now, you’ve let yourself down. And that’s the worst by the way, disappointing other people is fine, but when you KNOW you could have really done everything differently is when it really truly sucks.
Drip. Drip. My cheeks burn, ive been too busy typing to brush the tears away. Stain my t-shirt, turns an innocent red into a deep maroon.
- says:
man
fuck fuck fuck
whats going to happen i dont know
- says:
im so scared
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
babbyy!! relaaaxxx!!!
noooo!!! don't be scaredd!!
the more scared u'll be the more ull think ur fucked and then u'll get fucked
just relax sexy!! u know ur shit!! u know it!
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
I realize soon that i'm actually physically shaking. The pain killers arnt working, and my migraine is causing my vision to blur. The yellow of my room is piercing right through, and for a moment it feels like I cant breathe. I reach out, turn out the lights, and sigh when the room becomes inky blue instead of sunshine yellow. Dulled lighting, dulled sense. Staring at the monitor requires way too much effort, so I close my eyes and just try to lie still. But I cant, i'm still shaking. I stand up and try to walk around to shake off the nervous hysteria, but my feet don’t budge, and i'm left standing- alone.
- says:
i dont know man, it just feels like such a fucking hopeless situation
ive never been like this , NEVER.
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
abhii uve just had a crazy day!
noooo!
just relaxx
imagine macalester aaahhh!!
we're going in 2 months man.. COLLEGE BABY.
macalester awaits ur stressed ass which probally has many knots in it, so i'll call my massage woman for u for you on the 23rd
- says:
HAHAHHAHAHAH
I LOVE YOU
hahahhahahaha
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
seee ur laughing
I wasn’t really, but how would she know.
that i would be loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good even when i'm overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
I don’t know what happens to me from time to time. Its like this happy smile that I keep up all the time becomes me and soon this angry scared version of me never existed. And then, at the first indication of stress and challenges I just crumble. And not normal amounts, I don’t slip, I just fucking fall.
And in that moment, I have never ever hated myself more.
I am so weak. Vulnerable. So, so so low.
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
don't worry the knots will be un-knotted
and u'll get molested in the process! ahahah
- says:
your massage woman sounds a bit scary.
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
hahaha she's this big faaattt black woman
- says:
MAN I DONT WANT NO BLACK FAT WOMAN TOUCHING ME
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
noooo it’s a normal massage man
it's just the ass and hte back and hte tummy and the legs and the necck
- says:
SHE DOES THE ASS??? WHAT??
FUCK YOU NOBODY IS TOUCHING ME ASS ACHA
fffeeeeefffrrrra says:
ahhaha calm down. Ok when I call her ill tell her not to do the ass.
"haan meri dost naa us kee bottom math karna" HAHAHAHA
- says:
YUCK
dude
I AM NOT LYING IN FRONT OF SOME RANDOM WOMAN WHO FEELS UP MY ASS
thats like RAPE man
I COULD TAKE HER TO COURT
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good whether with or without you
Leading three different lives at one time. Priceless.
9 comments:
mayi!!! ja jakar kuch parh likh jaaaaa :P
seriously you're worrying too much. you'll be fine.
next time we're having a gay conversation, i swear!
umm first of all, double check the pasted msn convo, you might find that yur telling more than you want to.
Secondly, yur blogs scaring me. And for some reason i expect you to know why. Could i help? Would u let me?
Thirdly delete this comment.
hehehe!! i need a massage too... so that i maybe unknotted ... but this big black woman who feels up ur ass is just not on... hahaha.. so watch out... iv gotten em done before but no one went up the towel... :)
natasha- this time day after tomorrow im going to be free. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. still shaking, fucking hell i need prozac or something :S
sajjad- firstly, thanks for the heads up, its been dealt with. and for everyone who read it in between- oh well whats done is done.
secondly, im scaring you? explain yourself mr man. heh.
thirdly, why? theres nothing wrong with it.
woozie- hahahah HAINA? she sounds a wee bit on the freaky side. please give me the name of your massage person and number.. but wait, he mustve been a guy. now THAT is just the freakiest. black woman over male species ANY DAY YO. :D
AHAHAHAHAAH fat black woman who feels up asses. man your friend knows how to pick em :P
and also, i lead 4 lives, so i can relate to the shaking and the painkiller-ing and all... be well.
hahah i swear my friends are crazy. but the knots are getting out of control man. i might have to give in to this bloody black woman.
btw, we all sound incredibly racist.
heh, oh well whatever.
good ...to hear you sounding better in teh comments ... (but then again that might not mean anything) ....
just breathe.... if you feel like falling...fall... crumbling ... then crumble...dont hold it in...everyone goes through it ... just try to have someone anyone who can be there to catch you...or pretend to catch you .. even the illusion helps ... fuk i sound like too much of a dadi amma ... crap ...
but o well .... big *HUG* and g'luck ;)
heh, thanks muchly man.
you dont sound like a dadi amma, you just sound like someone whose been there before. i had someone to catch me, i let that person go thinking they would come back- they never did.
its completely my fault, but in my head somewhere its his. anyway thats a different story for a different post :p, but really. thanks :D
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