walking after you.

Don’t look at me, please, don’t stare the way you do, because im trying really hard not to meet your gaze and sooner or later ill run out of things to look at. Right now, im staring at my shoe’s like it’s the most interesting thing in the world, and lets face it love, you can see right through me. You always could, and probably always will be able to.

That must change pronto.

They say that you feel you’re most invisible when you’re surrounded by people, and today I finally understood what that meant. I know, im an ungrateful little bitch, but the thoughts in my mind have settled like stains on a pair of glasses, you just look through them, through the haze, to the picture that you’ve created yourself.

Why is it, that you never adore the people who adore you?
And why is it, that the people you adore never adore you back?

Darling, im not going through tonight again, frankly because I don’t have the strength, nor the will. You take me too close to the core, make me too fragile, and split me open before I can retaliate. I feel unseen, even though I crack all the jokes, make all the sarcastic comments and direct the ebb and flow of the conversation. I'm a poster version of an old movie, a wax doll of a famous person, a smiling figure that looks a bit like a girl that smiled like the sun once. Ive lost it, the charm that got people to look at me twice, i lost it without even wanting it back, or maybe, you took it away from me without me even noticing.

Don’t look at me, don’t read this, this is a weak moment, leave me alone.

This is terrible, I’ve forgotten what feeling like this is like. This, hollowness, this empty yearning for something, this craving for all the wrong things, all the incorrect answers, all the things that will make me tumble and fall and say things that I’ll regret later. Jesus Christ, seems like ive walked in a big circle and instead of actually reaching somewhere, ive just come back to where I started.

And its nobody’s fault but my own.

Stop living in the clouds girl, they are unsteady things, you’ll just fall through like you always have.

And I fell through today. I fell while laughing and singing along to Oasis, all the facades coming back slowly, all the robotic actions coming back like they had never left.

Writing this makes me hate myself.

Yay, self hatred is back.

Ugly.

Uglyhorribleperson.

Wellfuckingdone.