Running

"Said maybe, your gonna be the one that saves me
And afterall, your my wonderwall"


Wonderwall
Oasis

--


What a song

Its ironic that i cant afford to sing it to anyone.

Birthdays are supposed to be fun, not only for whos birthday it is, but for everyone.

Right?

Then what the fuck was today? It was fine, to an extent. The rush of finally getting out and not being under house arrest, buying gifts, the cake, the cheap candles. Bieng late and keeping everyone waiting and then finally piling into cars and trying to be quiet at goldies so that he wouldnt here us climbing up the stairs. Trying to control a laughing fit and NOT managing, walking in singing, and then laughing like an idiot when he's sitting there in his boxers.

And then

WHO is that? No, please tell me im hallucinating. Please. It cant be you. No. Please please. I beg of you. This is awkward, and weird, just go away. Do i meet you? say hello? or do i ignore you?

"Hi"

"Hey.. howve u been?"

"Good. The same really."

And then i walk off, ignore ignore ignore. This is horrible. Somehow we go through the entire night avoiding each other, making an effort to act like there was no past, nothing happened between us, we were nothing, and now, we are even less than that.

And then you sit next to me on the way back. Why? Why? WHY.

And it all comes flooding back. WHY did you make it awkward between us? It was fine, we got along fine, everything was good. And then, you tell me you love me.

WHY?

And i freak out, i cant handle stuff like this, i just cant, i wasnt built for relationships or anything of that sort. It just not meant to be. Let it it go , please. And my so called friends, are making it SO obvious. STOP please STOP. I cant confront things, i just run away, far away. And do whatever i can to act like im fine. I cant talk about my "feelings". Im an emotionally withdrawn person, and i highly doubt you can change that.

I get home, and get shit from everyone. Why was i ignoring him? Why was i making such a big deal out of it? Everyone thinks im so full of it, trying to make a big deal out of things that SHOULD have ended a while back. Feelings that should have died down, words that should have been spoken, problems that should have been sorted out.

And i have no one to stick up for me, just take my side, eventhough im wrong, just because, well because its unconditional.

Im such a bitch. A good guy. Who everyone loves. And this is what i do.

I hate myself. This is the lowest low. This is the end. This is it.

I want to dissapear, just go away, be anywhere but here.




I wish i could just erase this night away.



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