i will call today day one, because every day is day fucking one. i will call it day one on this day because this is as full circle as it gets - this is as desperate it gets, this is the extent of its stink, of its depravity, and my fear that defeat has passed me already, that this is just what organised free fall looks like.
as far as day ones go (and man, i wish i had more control over when and how day one happens) this was a pretty decent day.
lets examine the empirical evidence for a moment:
1. i am on the third day of my period. this usually always results in a bad day.
2. i am getting over the flu, and am congested and coughing and surrounded by tissue. at work. this usually always results in a bad day.
3. i wore clothes that i detest, because i overslept. i looked like a bum at work. this usually makes the best of days the worst of days.
4. i went into a public place, was there for about five minutes in total, and had a panic attack. this usually shatters my day.
5. i came home aching to create, acutely aware of how quiet everything was home. the hollow feeling that comes from closed doors and still curtains gave me the chills, rather than the relief that they usually do. i was unable to create because i didn't have what i needed, and so i am left feeling incredibly dissatisfied. that isn't that great either.
6. i am almost out of hash, this is terrifying. there is a shortage. i hate asking people, i do it anyway - and then i write them haikus to cover up for my weaknesses.
7. my friend, a dear dear friend, the kind that brings you weed when you have the flu, gleefully recounted the way he surprised his soon to be wife by cumming in her mouth. that kind of ruins the kind, yoga instructing, baked goods making image i had of her. now she's just the girl with his cum on her face. and hes the guy who told me that. gleefully. glee-fucking-fully.
8. i did shitty work at work today. when i sent it out i told my colleagues that it was shit and that they should not even bother reading this 'report' that was basically just a bunch of research from interns mashed together with a heavy dose of bullet points. i didn't care. i wake up every morning gripped with this acute sadness of having to return to that stupid town house with that stupid finger printing machine (late everyday last month, every damned day) and these stupid tasks and these stupid polite emails and ghost writing and too many goddamned responsibilities and this feeling that i do not know why my shrewd ass boss has left her business to me, a lowly addict, albeit a responsible one.
9. i have been dragged, head first, into my past. into the parts of my past that the drugs should have killed by now. the parts i have gone out of my way to avoid. the parts that i love, the parts that run through my body like ecstasy, the parts that result in sentences that get stuck in ones throat. you know that noise? the one where your voice grabs and for that one second, for that one second you are disarmed, naked, defeated, ready to be taken. there is nothing more compelling than that noise. i live for that noise. i live to say the sorts of words that induce that noise.
10. my envy is evident, i am running out of time. it is smeared across my face and trapped in my sweaty palms. i am running out of time and everyone knows it.
but it was a good day. my stomach is empty and i will sleep hungry.
today was a great day.
as far as day ones go (and man, i wish i had more control over when and how day one happens) this was a pretty decent day.
lets examine the empirical evidence for a moment:
1. i am on the third day of my period. this usually always results in a bad day.
2. i am getting over the flu, and am congested and coughing and surrounded by tissue. at work. this usually always results in a bad day.
3. i wore clothes that i detest, because i overslept. i looked like a bum at work. this usually makes the best of days the worst of days.
4. i went into a public place, was there for about five minutes in total, and had a panic attack. this usually shatters my day.
5. i came home aching to create, acutely aware of how quiet everything was home. the hollow feeling that comes from closed doors and still curtains gave me the chills, rather than the relief that they usually do. i was unable to create because i didn't have what i needed, and so i am left feeling incredibly dissatisfied. that isn't that great either.
6. i am almost out of hash, this is terrifying. there is a shortage. i hate asking people, i do it anyway - and then i write them haikus to cover up for my weaknesses.
7. my friend, a dear dear friend, the kind that brings you weed when you have the flu, gleefully recounted the way he surprised his soon to be wife by cumming in her mouth. that kind of ruins the kind, yoga instructing, baked goods making image i had of her. now she's just the girl with his cum on her face. and hes the guy who told me that. gleefully. glee-fucking-fully.
8. i did shitty work at work today. when i sent it out i told my colleagues that it was shit and that they should not even bother reading this 'report' that was basically just a bunch of research from interns mashed together with a heavy dose of bullet points. i didn't care. i wake up every morning gripped with this acute sadness of having to return to that stupid town house with that stupid finger printing machine (late everyday last month, every damned day) and these stupid tasks and these stupid polite emails and ghost writing and too many goddamned responsibilities and this feeling that i do not know why my shrewd ass boss has left her business to me, a lowly addict, albeit a responsible one.
9. i have been dragged, head first, into my past. into the parts of my past that the drugs should have killed by now. the parts i have gone out of my way to avoid. the parts that i love, the parts that run through my body like ecstasy, the parts that result in sentences that get stuck in ones throat. you know that noise? the one where your voice grabs and for that one second, for that one second you are disarmed, naked, defeated, ready to be taken. there is nothing more compelling than that noise. i live for that noise. i live to say the sorts of words that induce that noise.
10. my envy is evident, i am running out of time. it is smeared across my face and trapped in my sweaty palms. i am running out of time and everyone knows it.
but it was a good day. my stomach is empty and i will sleep hungry.
today was a great day.
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