The high school girl turned 17 only one month back. Far from the myth of being sweet at sixteen, i was just as (if not more) confused and exhausted. Its pathetic really, to be so tired of a life that you havnt really lived yet. I often get the, "yeah your 17 going on 45" comment, and its completely justified. I think too much, analyze too much, make random assumptions, and end up killing myself in the process. Im surrounded by such diametrically opposed people. From parents, to the best friends, to practically everyone.
Im not like this in real life. Im a retard, the one who'll be laughing for absolutely no reason, and will be ready with a smart-ass comment to counter and beat anyone elses. People think im the most relaxed and calm person they have ever met, what you see is what you get. Im the agony aunt, call me at 4 in the morning, ill groan for a bit and then listen till you feel better. I do things that every other 17 year old does, from smiling when you get me 100 balloons on my birthday to squealing when i do well in a test. I listen to the same music, hangout with the same people, follow the same stuff on tv- I even visit the same countries when on holiday.
Am i really like everyone else? Well, you seem to think so. I thank whoever it is up there for surrounding me with people who are either really accepting, or really really stupid. Either way, it works well enough.
But, im not like you. I never will be. I love NY city because of the amazing Salvador Dahli i saw at the Met, not the great shopping. I would choose Alanis over the new Nelly cd. Ill listen to your problems, because im too scared to tell you my own, too scared that you'll laugh at me, or judge me for being so naive. I love the 100 balloons because i love how at night, they fall one by one, till theres one solitary balloon left and eventhough youll think itll fall soon enough, itll keep on hanging on, till you turn your back for one second and it comes floating down like all the rest of them. I love American Beauty, not because of the nude bits, but because for once, someone had the balls to present the truth, something that all of us have conveniently set aside. I meet you, spend time with you and laugh with you, because im perpetually haunted by the feeling of my own inadequacy, telling you what you want to hear, because my own opinion doesnt really matter.
Im sorry, for never being myself.
But, im always scared by the fact that you would stop loving me if I ever tried to be.
11 comments:
today i compose an email for you.
Haha being 17 isn't that bad.
Ask me.. :P
Haha being 17 isn't that bad.
Ask me.. :P
hmmm, Having read all that, the only thing that strikes me as being naive is the fact that you find yourself to be different from neone else.
We are all this way sweetie. Divided by gender, race, affluence, etc etc. And still deep down this is exactly what every one of us is.
We want to be selfish but are scared to be so. We yearn for acceptance and therefore put on masks that seem colorful enough to be liked.
One thing though, yur remarkably mature for 17... Or maybe you're just going thorugh the phase of self loathing and self discovery that everyone goes through at some point in thier lives. What you learn from this is what will sustain you for whatever time you have left on this earth. Whatever you choose to learn that is.
But rejoice in the fact that the last remaining ballon always falls to a careless back, no matter whose it is. And that pretty much is all there is to life, the rest is simply what we choose for it to be.
YOu are Normal DP. I'm sorry, i think telling you this is going to attack your illusion of being different. But i'm afraid you're not. No one really ever is. We try and try to stand apart form the crowd but in doing so we end up falling into another crowd that's already been gathered for centuries.
The age old advise of being yourself is what you need to follow. Because only in being honest to ourselves can we ever really be much of anything to anyone else. Its so much more gratifying to be accepted and loved for exactly the reality that we possess instead of purchasing affection through our own personal marketing gimmicks.
The sad fact is that even when we be ourselves, compltely and utterly true and honest to the reality only we know, we still don't really manage to be much different than any body else.
The devil is in the details, and the difference is in the little things, like moral balance and capacity to be kind. Other than that, its all just a rerun of someone else's life.
I don't think i've done much to alleviate your depression, but that wans't my intent anyway. You seem to be seeking enlightenment and far it be for me to consider myself enlightening, but being someone whose been in the smelly shoes yur wearing now, i felt compelled to tell you what i figured out. Take all of this with a grain of salt, heed it as as opinion but learn your own lessons. Draw your own conclusions and follow your own path. No one is worth giving that up for. Not family, not love.
In realizing that you will find some degress of salvation. For the rest, let God guide the way.
The best of everything to you.
Its not easy to find yourself, but once you set of on the hunt, you almost always end up liking what you find.
I should be a guidance counselor cuz i can seriously ramble on and on about life with appropriately placed cliches. You better appreciate this because well, this like a whole post woman and i'm just giving it to you in a comment.
And luci is gonna freak out now about how long this is but i just can't stop typing.
STOP SAJJAD>
I can't
WHY NOT
Damned if i know
Okay just take it slowly, one by one take the fingers off the keyboard.
Nice and easy
no hurry
thts right
monosyllables
thts more like it, give the poor girl a break with the godly sermon, its so unbecoming of you...
AARGH
STOP!!!!
if we weren't strangers.. if i knew who the hell you were, were you lived, where youve come from..
i would give you a great big hug right now :D
even though we're strangers, and i dun really know who teh hell you are *that can be debated), or where you live, or where you come from....
i'd be hugging you right back. ';)
Chin up.
Head high.
You own this world.
Act like it and it becomes nature soon enough.
hey! i love dali too! he was featured at the Saatchi gallery at one point. it was passionate lightning bolt love at sight :)
beknighted uncle broke my record of longest comment. i hate him.
but thats coz i decided to compose an email instead, which i never did send, coz it needs to be edited majorly... and summarized massively... coz its a genuine summarization of what ive learnt in life that is common to every being
but.. .he beat me at it.
die
die
die
die
nf- dali is KING. (in other words, the best thing in the art world..) thankgod i found another dali lover, other people just know him as the guy with the melting clocks haha..
luci- :D
dolphin- i know its not unusual, but its unusual for me. Im normally pretty decently integrated with the rrest of mankind. This entry was written at 4 in the morning, i was in a weird mood. But its good to know that there are more of us out there. But it was a passing thought. i hopppe!
This is very interesting site... » » »
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